It is no secret– that in Davis– rent is expensive. Just this month, I was on the hunt for a roommate and luckily found a friend that was looking for new housing. My search for a roommate is over, but the thought of a new roommate brings waves of longing and bittersweetness. Now, it’s not what you think– I’m not sad about how my freedom and space will be limited (although it is something I will be missing)– it is the roommate and friend I had a falling out with in my first year, that brought me grief.
I sometimes regret the downfall of that friendship and from time to time I still think of her. I think about all the talks and laughter we had, and wonder what other memories we could’ve had.
I was very close to this roommate when I was living in the dorms. She was funny, sarcastic, talkative, and supportive. It felt like we had known each other forever. Despite this, there were times when she would cross boundaries and be condescending and patronizing, which developed into deep rooted resentment within me. This, of course, was a ticking time bomb.
Eventually one day, I had enough and snapped back harshly— about laundry of all things. Somehow laundry caused the inevitable downfall of our friendship, which is so silly in retrospect.
This is what happens when you live with someone— all your flaws are on display. It’s uncomfortable and difficult to reconcile with that. I was too stubborn to see it and perhaps I didn’t want to because I wanted to believe I was mature. The truth is uncomfortable.
Although we had talks about the laundry incident to air out our dirty laundry (ha see what I did there?), they didn’t end too well, which made me decide to ignore her from then on.
I was afraid to be friends with her again in fear that our friendship would never be the same. I accepted a new reality– that our friendship was irrevocably broken– but didn’t realize how difficult it would be to just be roommates. Her sudden blatant breaking of our roommate contract–playing music out loud, Facetiming in the dorm, turning off the light without telling us, not taking out the trash, and pettiness, coupled with a condescending tone every time she would talk to us, made it difficult to live with her. I was too terrified to bring it up in fear of upsetting her and causing retaliation. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. When my other roommate brought up that we should have a talk with her, I profusely refused. I couldn’t confront her again because I was so fearful.
Friendship had turned into mutual hatred.
Although our friendship was irrevocably broken, our roommate relationship shouldn’t have been. I contacted the RA in desperation, who came to us to go over the roommate contract again with us. However, not much changed afterwards; the air in the room was still tense and I was still afraid to talk to her. At the end of the year, it felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulder when she left.
In retrospect, I should have communicated clearly my feelings early on, before letting my resentment towards her fester. I should have told her how I didn’t like the way she made me feel sometimes. And lastly, I regret letting my emotions take control, snapping at her without much of an apology afterwards. I believed that confrontation would ruin the friendship and make things awkward, but it was the exact opposite that did so.
Ignoring her was probably not the best idea either. What I should have made clear is that I needed space and time to think about our friendship moving forwards. And lastly, I regret not having the RA mediate a conversation between my roommate and I about our issues, so I wouldn’t have felt so terrified to express my issues with her.
As you can tell, communication was a huge issue and so was both of our egos.
I’m still conflicted about my feelings over our fallout and its consequences. On one hand, I mourn the friendship I lost due to immaturity but also look back with immense regret over my inability to be honest and stand up for myself, letting her have control over me. I was such a coward back then to the point I accepted it was easier to live in misery.
I mourn her friendship, and at the same time, I am grateful she is out of my life. It’s such a complex feeling. Missing her then hating her.
I lost a friend but gained a lot of wisdom out of this experience. Communicate early on your issues with your roommate and remain calm, however difficult it may be. Don’t let your anger and resentment build before you say or do something you’ll regret, like I did. And if your roommate pushes back and refuses to listen, don’t be afraid to ask for help, whether it is from the RA or the landlord. Trust in yourself and never let anyone step all over you or you’ll live in misery in your own home.
Be honest with yourself and your roommate most of all. This pretty much applies to any relationship and is something I feel is often overlooked and so hard to do. The truth hurts but it hurts less than pretending.
Don’t let this tale be yours!