In an increasingly demanding society, I’ve been feeling an urge to explore the topic of self-identity. In case you’re not totally sure what I’m talking about (I was barely sure myself), Merriam Webster defines self identity as “the recognition of one’s potential and qualities as an individual, especially in relation to social context.” I don’t know about you, but for me, in the past, I’d try my hardest not to think about my self- identity. And I feel like that’s a lot of the reason people love to be constantly busy, because when you’re constantly busy, there’s no time to really become introspective.
After a fall quarter of doing exactly this, I realized that the reason I wanted to have no time to think, let alone take a breath, was that I was so fearful of what I’d find if I looked too deep. I’m sure I’m not the only one who loves to run away from my problems, but this was almost worse than that. I’ve found that if you don’t at least try to look inwards, you’ll end up adopting other people’s perception and beliefs of you. And that, unfortunately, is a very slippery slope. For me, this resulted in intense guilt and a feeling of disillusionment with who I thought I was. I’ve finally figured out the reason for this was that because I was on autopilot fall quarter, and a lot of big life changes happened (it’s the college life and quarter system, man), I just kind of accepted that the way people treated me was my self-identity. I know this is a very abstract idea and might be hard to grasp; however, I feel like this happens to a lot of people and results in feelings of guilt and self-hatred. If you’re reading this, and thinking to yourself, “Wow, this is similar to how I feel” (hopefully someone is!), then don’t worry, I think I have some advice.
Okay, first piece of advice: never let anyone control your perception of yourself. At the end of the day, it’s you who has to live with yourself, no one else, and if you can go to bed every night knowing that you put your all into everything you did, that should be enough for you. Second piece of advice: if someone speaks for you or makes a negative remark about you, claiming to “know you”, just know that they’re definitely bullshitting. Hear me out for a second- I believe that you can never really fully know yourself. I’m constantly surprising myself, and I’m sure you are too. And for that reason, no one can really ever know you. But that’s okay because that’s the beauty of life. I’m going to go to bed tonight and be a little different than I was yesterday. With new life experiences comes new perspectives, and we are constantly experiencing life. Third piece of advice: never let guilt consume you, you can’t control how people perceive your actions so stop trying. A little guilt is okay, especially if you were in the wrong; however, anything in excess is dangerous. Excessive guilt is the first slide into a spiral of self-loathing- and that’s not fun.
Lastly, you can’t define yourself based on your successes and failures, as that will just perpetuate polarizing and altering states of euphoria and despair. However, you also can’t compare yourself to other people’s standards. I feel like there are a lot of people who will attempt to make you feel small if you don’t fit into their mold of what it is to “be a good person.” Don’t fall into that! There honestly is no such thing. Only your opinion of yourself truly matters, and when you forget that, it’s really easy to lose your individuality, the most important aspect of self-identity. Hopefully this was helpful, and definitely take what I say with a grain of salt. I really just want to open a dialogue, and maybe help someone who is going through a tough time as I did last quarter. If I leave you with anything, I hope it’s a positive perspective on how you view yourself. Take a breath. Listen to some of your favorite music. Write in a diary or make some art while journeying into yourself, no matter how scared you are, and define who you are and what you value for yourself. I truly believe that doing so will bring you inner peace and space to grow into the person you aspire to be.