In June, I’ll turn 20. In a way, I’m ready: the majority of my friends have already been 20 for months, some of them even 21. 19 sounds young to me anyway, at least compared to those around me.
However, a big part of me is not ready. 20? How could that be?
My twin sister and I often will speak about how we both still feel so young. We reminisce on specific childhood memories we share together, each providing details as if the stories occurred just yesterday. Yet when we hang up our phone call, I realize we aren’t just nonchalantly chatting together in our shared childhood bedroom, but instead in our own apartments miles away from each other and home. Even though I feel so similar to the younger girl I used to be, so much in my daily life is different. Yet, I feel like I have barely changed from the beginning of my adolescence.
The future itself doesn’t necessarily scare me — if anything, I look forward to the opportunities and experiences that come with growing older. The main factor that debilitates me from feeling completely confident in what the future holds for me is simply myself.
I feel like I’ve been stuck being the same person I’ve been my whole life. Which is normal, of course: I’ll always be “me.” But envisioning my life as a young adult, I always pictured myself to be some sort of other version of myself: some wise, cool woman that feels fully confident in who she is. I’ve been waiting to become her for so long.
When I think of future milestones, I still envision some sort of big change occurring before the time comes that will finally swoop in and make me who I’ve always wanted to be. Yet milestones pass and I remain feeling the same person as I was before. I find myself wishing to “save” the events in my life for a better, future version of myself. As if my current self is just not deserving enough for all the changes and experiences.
It’s only been until recently that I’ve tried to embrace who I am in the moment rather than comparing myself to some standard I envisioned for myself years ago. Even when I compare my life to the vague ideas of what I wanted college to be as a young girl, I’m reminded of how different I really am.
In a way, I’m living the dream life my child-self always wanted. I’ve developed who I truly am as a person, my interests, and the way I interact with people. I live in a whole new city from the one I grew up in, with good friends and connections that I made on my own.
Maybe I’m not the idealized version of myself that I always dreamed of. But, I’ve come to realize that I can’t run from myself. I can improve myself and grow from new experiences, but I’ll always be who I always was: me.