I grew up an avid reader, a teacher’s pet, and a straight-A student. I never felt like I needed to ask for help—if I encountered a problem, I should be capable enough to solve it myself. I’m developing my problem-solving skills, I told myself. So in university, when my problem-solving skills weren’t enough to keep me afloat, I had to do the unthinkable: I had to ask for help.
Yet, it felt impossible to do. If I don’t use outside resources, I might not accomplish my goals, but if I do use them, does this mean I’m incapable? For the first year of my undergraduate degree, I refused to go to office hours despite receiving Bs and Cs on assignments. It felt as though asking someone for help was admitting to them—and to myself—that I’m stupid. Even though I eventually managed to talk myself into using resources like office hours for extra help, I still struggle with feeling like I’m cheating my way through my degree.
One way I got over this initial hurdle was by becoming a mentor myself. I am fortunate enough to work as an on-campus tutor, meaning helping other students is a daily activity for me. Being on the other side of the mentor-mentee exchange showed me that it isn’t embarrassing or compromising for others to ask for help—so why should I think poorly of myself for doing so? As a tutor, I sincerely hope that people will learn from me; I have to actively apply this logic to my own thinking when I hesitate to reach out for assistance.
Despite eventually overcoming some parts of my fear, I still sometimes feel less than capable when I need to ask for help. I wonder if pushing myself so hard as a kid had a negative effect on my self-efficacy—perhaps I learned to conflate worth with intellect, and collaborating with others subliminally indicated I was not intelligent. This kind of thinking derives from a hyper-individualistic society where students are told to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, evident when students complain about group projects or presentations—instead of using a collaborative opportunity to reciprocate learning, the prospect of working with others becomes a burden. Very little emphasis is placed on the benefits of working with others or the skills required to do so. Thus, students like myself are coached into the belief that working alone is more productive and more valuable.
Undoing this mindset takes active work and engagement with one’s own anxieties. I found solace not only through my own mentor position, but also in starting small by asking friends for favors, like for rides home or advice on personal issues. This helped me realize that the people in my life are not out to get me, nor are they going to immediately question my intellect if I ask a question. While it can still be scary to ask for help, I am glad I learned to overcome my fear of reaching out altogether. Students like myself might strive for greatness, but this does not mean we have to achieve it on our own.