Your Survival Guide for the President Trump Apocalypse

Last week, Ted Cruz and John Kasich both suspended their presidential campaigns, leaving Donald Trump as the last candidate standing for the Republican nomination. It’s true. This is really happening.

Now, some people might use “logic” or “faith that humanity can’t be that stupid” to insist that Donald Trump doesn’t have a chance in the general election, but that’s what we said when Trump was just campaigning for the nomination! At this point, “logic” and “faith in humanity” haven’t just abandoned us; they’re refusing to pay child support and are telling all their bros that we were, like, total sluts. 

So, President Trump 2016 is a real, concrete possibility. Now the question is: what would living in a Trump-led America actually be like? Before you give in to crushing despair, here are some super simple tips for surviving the Trumpocalypse:    

1. Be a straight white man. I cannot stress this enough!

2. If you’re not a straight white man (and don’t even think of identifying as a man if you were assigned female at birth)—or even if you are—move to Australia.

Most people will flee to Canada, with their universal healthcare and how handsome Justin Trudeau is, but it’s only a matter of time before Supreme Leader Trump declares war with that socialist moose-loving bastard over how large his hands are.

No, you want to go somewhere no one would possibly want to invade. Hence, Australia. Then, watch the rest of the world burn from the safe confines of your spider monster pits.

3. If you can’t escape, learn mad martial arts skills.

Let’s face it: there’s no way you can beat supporters of Trumpism on the “ridiculously overcompensating stockpiling of gun arsenals” front. They have a head start. However, given Trump’s track record for inciting violence against dissenters and even their innocent families, you should still be prepared to defend yourself when the U.S. becomes The Purge.

4. No matter what happens, never give up hope.

I know it looks bleak now, but someday, when your grandchildren are complaining about having to live in a land where spiders literally rain from the sky sometimes, you can tell them, “We fled to this accursed place to escape Donald Trump, so stop whining and finish your kangaroo jerky.” 

5. Welcome to our shiny new future!

• survival guide