I wish that things were different. I wish you had given me as much as I thought you would. I wanted Greek life to guide my college experience and give me friends. I got probations, broken hearts, sisters who told me no one liked me because of who I hung out with and sisters who ignored me. I lived in the house and contemplated my commitment to the chapter. I started therapy because of it.
And I stayed.
I don’t know why. You’ve exhausted me. I thought you would be more than just the popular girls versus everyone else. I was wrong. You’re nothing more than high school drama that I thought we’d outgrown when we started at a university. Once again, I wanted to fit in with the cool kids.
Greek letters don’t define me. When I rushed, I wasn’t the blueprint for sorority girls, and I never tried to be. For this, I was one of the black sheep of the chapter. I never left because I was afraid of being talked about like I’d talked about the girls who dropped. Sororities are survival of the fittest. Who can last longest? Who can take the toxicity? Who will rise to the top?
It doesn’t feel better to last the longest. It doesn’t feel better to have sat and accepted the toxicity for four years.
If I chose to look at this experience through rose-colored glasses, I’d miss the reality of the situation. There weren’t only bad moments in my Chapter experience: when I met my big, when I learned I got a little and when I had dinner with my fam, I felt happy. I had fun at the formals and the crush parties that I went to. But many of these moments that I reminisce on were independent of the Chapter. I didn’t need my sorority to build bonds with older girls to mentor me and younger girls to mentor myself. My letters may have led me to these friends, but I kept the friendship alive.
Before I graduate from the Chapter, here are my ending notes:
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to meet my big. She’s a shining star in my life and one of my best friends.
Thank you for helping me to find my little, who will support and love me, letters or not.
Thank you for forcing me to find myself, no matter how brutal you were to me.
Thank you for showing me what my limits are, even though you often pushed them farthest.
Thank you for pushing me to the point of therapy. I needed it to better myself.
Our time is over, Chapter.
In the words of Ariana Grande:
thank you, next.