So you just started talking to a new guy.
All is going amazingly well. Some may say a little too well. It seems like he’s perfect for you and you move on to the next step of your relationship where you tell your friends all about him.
This is where things go wrong because as you introduce this mystery man to everyone, his facade slips and everyone starts to notice just how Mr. Perfect may just be Mr. Walking Red Flag. Everyone sees him for who he is, everyone but you.
I’ve had personal experience with dating a narcissist and when you don’t know what to look for it’s easy to miss the signs that you are even with one. For me, dating a narcissist was a little traumatic. He always made me feel like I was asking too much from him when all I wanted was the bare minimum and he would lie like his life depended on it.
Oxford Language defines a narcissist as “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” This article is not meant to diagnose anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, but rather to shed some light on some signs that your person may not be the person meant for you. With that being said, let’s get into 5 signs that might mean you’re talking to a narcissist.
- Oops, I dropped a love bomb…
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We’ve all heard this term before. Licensed therapist Sasha Jackson from a Cosmo interview defines love bombing as being “characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person”. Love bombing plays on the endorphins and dopamine that your brain releases when you receive attention from your partner. Your partner may start calling you cute nicknames like ‘baby’ or ‘my love’ within a few days of knowing you. Love bombers do things that others take months or years to do and they do it in the span of a few days to a couple of months. An example would be they start showering you with expensive gifts, or they start to discuss marriage and children within a few days of your first date. They attempt to make you feel special so you bond to them by texting “good morning” every single day, but the moment they get what they want, a switch flips. You may now start to feel like you owe your partner your time and attention to make up for everything they did or got for you at the beginning of your relationship. Love bombing is an abusive cycle where your partner may start to say nasty things to you and then attempt to reconcile by showering you with gifts and flowers.
- Lack of empathy? what’s that?
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Empathy is the ability to identify and understand people’s emotions. One trait of a narcissistic partner is that they completely lack empathy. This is a major red flag as they will never be able to fully understand other’s perspectives. A narcissist will not care if your day was bad or if you’re upset because you just bombed a huge exam. To a narcissist, they are getting something out of being with you. If you are now ‘burdening’ them with your problems, this will frustrate them and they will choose to stop acting like the caring person they were portraying.
- me? gaslighting you? you’re crazy!!
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Perhaps one of a narcissist’s favorite manipulative tactics, gaslighting is used to control and manipulate everyone around them. Some methods they may use include calling you crazy or saying you might need to get checked out. When you start to call them out for their wrong-doings, a narcissist will get defensive and will try to tell you you’re the issue or that you’re making things up. Another tactic includes pretending like they are the good guy in every situation. You might see a narcissistic person tell you that everyone else has it out for you or is always betraying you, with them being the only ‘constant’ in your life to keep you happy. Other very major red flags include shutting down in a conversation when they are losing, playing the devil’s advocate (pretending to agree with you when they do not), invalidating your opinions, and using your own words against you. These are all examples of gaslighting and should be taken seriously if your partner exhibits them.
- lies, lies, and would you look at that? more lies!
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For a narcissist, lying is as easy as breathing. They do this compulsively and they cannot stop. What I learned from dating a narcissist is that I need to assume that every time they open their mouth they are spewing out more lies. Narcissists do not feel bad about lying to you and they will look you straight in the eyes to do it. To them, lying is a fun little trick and your partner might even get some slight pleasure from lying to you. You might even notice a narcissist fibbing details in a story to an extreme to get others to feel sorry or sympathize with them. To them, lying is about convenience.
- Nothing is ever their fault (it’s always yours)
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Probably the first sign I noticed in my last relationship was that absolutely nothing was ever his fault. A personal example from me that set off warning bells was the one time my ex tried to start his own business venture and it did not work out. Why did it not work out? Ask him and he’ll tell you it was because nobody wanted his help with the service he was offering. Ask any of his friends or even me. They’ll tell you it’s because he stayed home and played video games all day rather than advertising his business (the business ultimately died and he had to return everything he bought to start it). With that aside, you might notice your partner doing something similar. They might never try to compromise, listen to you, or take responsibility for any problems they cause. In their eyes, they are always right and every misfortune or issue that arises is anyone but their fault. Due to this, you might notice that your partner never apologizes for anything. Convenient for them, right?
There are definitely many more signs when it comes to seeing if your partner is a narcissist or not, but these are some that should set off warning bells in your head. By no means is this article diagnosing anyone, but rather it is meant to shed some light on some red flags in a relationship. Narcissists love themselves the most. They will always be their priority above anyone else and to them you are replaceable. To avoid entering a relationship with such a man, trust your gut. Set boundaries with your partner and observe how they act with you and around others over time. If your friends or family are noticing traits in your partner that they find concerning, take their thoughts into consideration! Take off those rose-colored glasses and look with a fresh perspective, no matter how hard it might be. Trust me, it’s for the best!