If you just woke up from a one week coma, here is what you missed… you’re welcome.
Miley World Comes to Whorelando
Yes, everyone’s favorite white girl and foam finger user finally honored Orlando with her presence this past Monday night. Miley Cyrus continued her Bangerz Tour by stopping at the Amway Center downtown. I have seen enough tongue sticking out pictures with the hashtag “BLESSED” to last me a lifetime. Literally, everyone and their mother attended this concert. UCF was even giving away tickets to people who raised $100 for Knightthon. Also, why did everyone feel the need to dress like slutty homeless people? I understand that’s what the “Miley Trend” is, but if Miley said jump off a bridge, would you? While it may work for Miley, sort of, it CERTAINLY does not for you. Please stop wearing Brian Lichtenberg beanies and just bandeaus; it only makes you look like a try-hard.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Split
Apple and Moses’ parents are splitting up and labeling it “conscious uncoupling.” LOL WTF?! “Conscious Uncoupling?!” The woman who starred in the movie “View from the Top,” and then decided to write a cook book would call her divorce “conscious uncoupling.” For those of you confused with what conscious uncoupling is, hopefully this definition will clear it up for you. Conscious uncoupling is, “a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace.” Is it just me or does this reek of Chrisypoo getting some slut preggers while on tour with Coldplay? Well, either way, this is a crock of sh*t and I have faith that US Weekly will have the true story on their cover next week (or at least some made up version). I really do hate breakup stories in Hollywood that hurt the kids. I mean they are already named Moses and Apple, they have enough issues.
Ultra Weekend 2014
Time to bust out your favorite bedazzled fanny pack and flower crown, yup it’s Ultra time. This weekend is Ultra 2014 in Miami. That means that all ratchet sorority betches, edm betches, stoner bro’s, druggie frat boys, and Paris Hilton are headed to Miami. “Welcome to Miami, bienviendo a Miami.” This means get ready for your Insta newsfeed to be bombarded with pics of every betch you hate with a pacifier in her mouth. You’ll also have to witness constant posts on Facebook of rando’s from high school looking to buy/sell tickets. *Insert gag* While I personally don’t have anything against Ultra and I always condone day raging, I just think it’s annoying that people are so obnoxious about it on social media. Like yeah, we get it you’re at Ultra and you spent $400 to go. I would much rather spend $400 on a Louis Vuitton Mini Speedy bag, but that’s just me. To everyone at Ultra, just try to avoid bath salts and eating people’s faces…this is Miami…
Selena Subpoenaed in Bieber Paparazzi Case
I love this new trend of teeny boppers running into conflicts with the law. It feels very Law & Order meets TGIF Fridays on ABC, and I’m really digging it. Selena Gomez is now being served and will have to sit for a deposition in the ongoing lawsuit with Biebs attacking paparazzi back in 2012. She is being served because apparently she was a witness to this awful atrocity, poor paparazzo! It must be quite traumatizing to be attacked by a then 17 year old pre-pubescent Biebs. I can only imagine the sheer horror that paparazzo lives with every day. I guess it would be best to stay on his former “boothangz” good side right now, if he wants her to cooperate with him. I love that she’s being dragged into this mess; I think it’s thoroughly hilarious, does that make me betchy? Oh well.