If you just woke up from a one week coma, here is what you missed… you’re welcome.
The Oscars
I have a love/hate relationship with Oscars and I always feel a bit depressed when the Oscars are over. I love the Oscars because it is the event of the year; however, I also hate it because it signals the end of the award season.
Everyone’s favorite betch, Lupita Nyong’o, took home the coveted Best Supporting Actress statue, and looked like a magical blue fairy in her Prada gown. She is literally the most amazing human being alive. Not only has Lupita shown that she is a fashion icon this award season, but she has also shown the world that young betches are the sh*t.
Ellen DeGeneres hosted and did her usual hokey nonsense and we all laughed; she even took a famous selfie, can we stop talking about it now?
My best dressed award goes to Kate Hudson, who sparkled in Atelier Versace, showing the world that even in her thirties, she still looks better than 99% of the rest of the world.
Anna Kendrick wins my award for worst dressed, with her J. Mendel black sack of ugly. I think that Pitch Perfect 2 should open with Anna Camp’s character projectile vomiting all over that dress. It would be epic.
Robin Thicke & Paula Patton Call it Quits
Everyone’s favorite creepy older dude, Robin Thicke, and his wife of 9 years, Paula Patton, have finally called it quits.
I’m shocked it’s taken Patton this long to end things, I mean the man did grind with a virtually naked Miley Cyrus on live television… gross.
Apparently Thicke is having a hard time accepting their love is over since he has been quite honest about not wanting to end the marriage. However, Patton is not feeling his pain, and has been seen without her wedding ring.
Wow man, when it’s over, it’s over. No one likes a desperate 36 year old man, so chill the hell out Robin. The only thing more over than this marriage, is anyone actually caring about Robin Thicke. Oops, sorry not sorry.
Also, you know his parents must have hated him, if they named him a 50 year old woman’s name. Extra fun fact: his biological father (Alan Thicke) played the father on Growing Pains. Let’s all take a moment to thank Growing Pains for introducing Leonardo Dicaprio into Hollywood and making this world a better place for all girls and gay men ages 10-99. Amen.
Teresa & Joe Giudice – Jail
The infamous table thrower, Teresa Giudice, has finally pleaded guilty to bankruptcy fraud along with hubby Joe. While I personally can’t stand this loud mouth “hoochey mama,” my heart does go out to her children.
Teresa and Joe of Real Housewives of New Jersey pleaded guilty to several charges, but not to all of the 41 original charges. Joe faces up to 37-46 months in prison and possible deportation back to Italy. Teresa faces up to 21-27 months in prison. The couple has arranged a plea agreement and will be sentenced on July 8th. These original charges were filed back in July. Joe and Teresa originally pleaded not guilty to the charges back in November, but have since changed their plea.
I’m sure Melissa Gorga is screaming, “NOW SHE CAN FINALLY STOP HURTING US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Aaron Carter Becomes Relevant Again, Sort Of
I guess Aaron Carter pulled an Amanda Bynes and started tweeting on drugs, because earlier this week he tweeted at former boo thang, Hilary Duff.
Let’s rewind to a simpler time – 2003, when purple Uggs were stylish, and Aaron Carter and Hilary Duff were the hottest couple alive. However, that was ELEVEN YEARS AGO. Aaron tweeted a picture of Duff this week saying, “don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever… Like me… I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her. I don’t care what ANY of you think.” Okkaaaaayyyy because that wasn’t totally out of nowhere or bizarre or anything.
Hilary Duff announced her separation from former NHL player husband back in January, but has claimed they are remaining close friends. I guess Aaron thinks it might be easy getting her back on a rebound? They dated for 3 years back in the early millennium days, but broke up due to rumors of him cheating with Lindsay Lohan. So far, Duff has not commented on Carter’s declaration of love.
My advice to Hilary would be, you wouldn’t start wearing those purple Uggs again, so do NOT start dating that has-been druggie loser again.
Bieber Makes It To 20!
That’s right, everyone’s favorite douche bag actually made it to the ripe old age of 20.
The Biebs turned 20 last Saturday, and celebrated in style at exclusive hotel The Caves in the Bahamas. He celebrated with friends and family on the island of Eleuthera. According to staffers of the hotel, he stayed in the private villas which include a butler, private pools, and private beach access.
This very modest trip only costs mere pennies at $7,000 a night. I’m sure the Biebs wanted to get all his partying in before he has his DUI hearing on March 11th in Miami. I guess now that Biebs is no longer a teenager, he decided it was time to be mature and reunite with Selena Gomez. Apparently he regrets calling her “high maintenance and out of control,” because he flew from Miami to Texas to grab some Starbucks with her. He has also taken to social media to post pictures of her, calling her the, “most elegant princess in the world.”
I really can’t keep up with this guy. He’s getting arrested one day, vacationing in the Bahamas the next. He calls Selena a drug addict one day, and the next an elegant princess. MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY JUSTIN, OR BE DECLARED MENTALLY UNSTABLE. Let’s be real, we already know he’s mentally unstable. However, this is America, we like labels.