As women, we often think that we are incapable of propagating misogyny by claiming, “I don’t hate women. I am a woman.” This mindset makes it easy for us to dismiss and make fun of terms like “internalized misogyny,” which undermines the systematic problems we encounter.
Let’s go back to the basics–Misogyny involves hatred, discrimination, and prejudice against women and girls, especially when they step outside of patriarchal expectations and norms. Internalized misogyny works similarly, except that it’s when a woman holds it against herself and other women. This is the biggest sabotage to ourselves and our sisterhood that we crave and need.
Farida D., an Arab gender researcher and poet, said internalized misogyny can be manifested in three ways, as stated in her Instagram post.
- Reinforcing gender stereotypes
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This involves embodying the mindset that you, as a woman, are inferior to men. This includes beliefs like thinking women only rely on emotions and irrationality or that they are less intelligent, making them less capable of man-coded skills like leadership.
This results in praising traditional “masculine” qualities and activities while degrading those considered “feminine.” This also normalizes double standards, causing women not to be supported or taken seriously.
- Mimicking the way men oppress women
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Women may target other women by engaging in similar oppression tactics they’ve been shown.
This includes forcing other women to undergo harmful practices like living by purity culture, where patriarchy socially conditioned women that their sexuality should be controlled and available solely for their husbands instead of themselves. It can also look like victim-blaming another woman for getting assaulted instead of and showing her compassion and calling out the perpetrator, slut-shaming women for expressing themselves outside of patriarchal expectations, and so on.
Adopting these oppressive behaviors allows women to uphold the system that harms them and their sisters instead of going against it.Â
- Internalizing those thoughts and beliefs
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Due to the unbelievable patriarchal expectations placed on women in terms of beauty standards, motherhood, marital status, and more, women end up in situations where they consistently harshly judge themselves. This pressures them to fit into stereotypical gender roles to fulfill patriarchal fantasies. These internal struggles can wrench women’s self-esteem and worth, preventing them from discovering and embracing who they are.
Internalized Misogyny in Media
In addition to the actions that stem from internalized misogyny, other archetypes in media and culture explore this concept more.
- the “pick-me”
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According to the Exonian, the “pick-me girl” originated from AAVE (African American Vernacular English) and was popularized online by the 2016 Twitter trend #TweetLikeAPickMe. The term has since skyrocketed in popularity and is often used in reference to the “pick me, choose me, love me” scene from Grey’s Anatomy.
The term often refers to a woman who goes to extreme lengths to gain male approval, even if it means dragging other women down or putting them into dangerous situations.
- The Cool or Chill Girl
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This archetype is often praised by toxic men because she’s completely “chill” and “cool” with their awful behavior. She is the type who will laugh at their sexist and harmful jokes, believing that she can take a joke. In general, she would allow men to disrespect her and cross her boundaries in exchange for their comfort and fragile ego.Â
Of course, I cannot reference the “cool girl” archetype without mentioning Amy Dunne’s iconic monologue in Gone Girl.
- “One Of The Boys”
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Like the “cool girl” fantasy, being “one of the boys” means you’re a woman who rejects traditionally feminine activities or interests like make-up and qualities like compassion or empathy. Not because she genuinely prefers stereotypical masculine hobbies but because she does not want to be associated with anything “girly” due to her conditioning of thinking anything feminine equals bad.
She doesn’t engage in anything associated with girlhood because she doesn’t want to be looked down upon. She only hangs out with guys because “girls are too dramatic.”
Ultimately, she believes in the falsehoods she’s been taught about women being inferior, so she strives to be the exception.
How Did We Get Here?
You may be wondering what drives women to perpetuate internalized misogyny against other women. In the same Instagram post previously mentioned, Farida D. theorizes three reasons:Â a lack of awareness, fear, and craving for a reward from the patriarchy.
Misogyny is a universal issue embedded in every corner of our world, making it very easy to internalize and embrace it. Humans are exposed to it the moment we start breathing on this planet through avenues like TV shows, household dynamics, media, culture, schools, etc.
However, even if we admit we’re aware of it, it feels safer and less scary to submit to the misogyny rather than speak up and fight it and then later face the consequences. It’s much easier to get praised by the patriarchy for being the “chill girl” or the “good girl” than to stand up against it and risk the backlash by being labeled an “angry feminist.”
Some women may feel like embracing internalized sexism will provide them with rewards like acceptance, safety, and love rather than the harm, hatred, and backlash women receive for resisting it. When we live in a system that empowers some groups over others, those without power will sometimes seek acceptance from the oppressor to avoid harm, a phenomenon called internalized oppression.
The desire for male validation over other women’s safety is another reason why the cycle of systematic sexism will never end.
Now, you may wonder if there is a way to avoid being a part of this cycle. The answer is, as you may have guessed, yes! Many people have gone through periods of embracing misogyny but managed to unlearn it successfully over time.
There are many ways to escape the cycle, but here are my top three tips.
- Self Reflection
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Start by reflecting on why you hold certain beliefs and behave in certain ways. Keep digging deeper into your actions’ motivations and the prejudice you were taught to normalize. For example, uncover the motivations behind your judgment before you bring down or shame another woman for not aspiring to be a mother. Why do you feel that she should aspire to be a mother simply because she is a woman? Where did you get the idea that it’s an obligation? Is there any evidence aside from your anecdotes or what societal institutions have taught you?
Keep reflecting, and over time, you will be set free from this.Â
- Educate yourself
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Read about different theories and types of feminism. Take women and gender studies classes. Listen to the experiences of diverse women who do not share the same background as you. By being exposed to more knowledge, you’ll become more educated.
- Practice Empathy
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Thanks to patriarchal societies labeling empathy as a weak, feminine trait, many people shut it down. When women diminish other women’s experiences and feelings, these obstacles get in the way of connecting, relating, and understanding each other’s struggles and victories.
Listen to other women before you rush into judgments. Take a moment and put yourself in her shoes. Even if you’ve faced similar struggles, why would you reinforce that behavior on other women rather than standing up against it? What do you gain by casting harsh judgments? How does that help other women?
Over time, you will reclaim your empathy!
In a world where women face discrimination and prejudice from men, the last thing they need is women perpetuating harmful ideologies.
Don’t be the woman who sets her sisters on fire and watches them burn for the sake of her comfort. Be the woman who stands next to her sisters and defends them. This is how we strengthen our sisterhood.Â