You know it, you’ve seen it, you loved it, I’m talking about the one and only How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. This movie is the peak of rom-coms, a staple if you will. It perfectly blends the romantic chemistry of protagonist Andie Anderson and Ben Barry into one quintessential bundle to highlight what a woman should not do to keep a man interested.Â
21 years after its release, this movie seems to have served as the perfect “how-to” guide for women, but what if I told you that it hasn’t? Andie is first shown as this chic, fun, easy-going character and then we see her switch to this clingy, whiny, dramatic persona in an attempt to drive Ben away. While the things she does in the film would send any normal man running for the hills, the movie itself is not representative of the entirety of women today.Â
I only say this because of the conditions in which the movie is set. Andie needed Ben for her article, just as Ben needed Andie to win the diamond campaign he wanted to take the lead on. As a result, her crazy antics were just that- crazy. Andie ramped up her antics to push Ben away, but, of course, that didn’t work since Ben needed her to fall in love with him. While I believe the movie is right in showing women should not act like Andie, the dynamics of relationships today have changed. In a society where hook-up culture is the norm and committed relationships are harder to secure than a Birkin bag, Andie’s over-the-top behavior is not as relevant anymore because it is simply too dramatic.
We know the story is almost always the same. A girl meets a guy, starts liking him, does a nonsensical amount of stuff to drive him crazy, and then he ghosts her. Girl overthinks what went wrong, and the cycle repeats with the next guy. But what exactly did she do wrong? Where did she raise a red flag for a guy who seemed interested and who she thought could be her soon-to-be boyfriend? How do you really lose a guy in 10 days in modern society?
- Bringing up the ex
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Picture this: it’s your first date with this guy you really like, and you’re at this really nice restaurant. You want to make sure he’s a good guy, or at least better than your ex. So, how do you find out what he thinks is right and wrong in a relationship? You bring up past relationships! You sit there and tell him stories about your sucky exes and past talking stages to see how he reacts. If you say, “My ex never bought me flowers,” you’re hinting that you want him to buy you flowers. To you, this is a subtle way of figuring out what he can do for you. But to him, this is when he tries to figure out how soon he can get the waiter to bring the check.
Talking about past relationships early on tends to send men flying out the door. By talking about an ex, you’re essentially comparing the two, and men hate to be compared to other men.
- Faking your interests
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I have had so many friends go on dates with guys they had nothing in common with. That could make for very awkward small talk when it comes to getting to know someone. But you know what makes for even more awkward talk? When he says he loves something, you agree, even though you do not know anything about the topic. This has happened more times than I can count to just about every girl I know, and it leads to a very embarrassing conversation. It also leads to him thinking you’re a sheep with no real interests of your own.
Imagine a guy says, “I love blah blah blah,” and you say you do too- when you clearly don’t. Now imagine the look on his face when he starts to realize you’re lying. At that moment, you just told him you don’t have your own opinions and you’re a liar. Now what?
- getting too excited about what could be
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A date is just that, a date. Just because a guy takes you somewhere nice and acts sweet, kind, and respectful does not mean he wants to jump into a relationship with you. I have been a victim of doing this myself many years ago, so I speak from experience. I used to get overly enthusiastic about a guy I was crushing on, and he picked up on that. The moment he realizes I’m more invested than he is, it’s game over. He’s going to go ghost.
Every guy friend I have asked about this has told me the same thing: they hate when they go out with a woman and can sense she’s already envisioning a relationship. They pick up on that energy, and it icks them out to the extreme. If you go on a date and all you can talk about is how much you want a boyfriend, fantasizing about cute couple activities a month from now, or how cute your future kids would look, then you lose him. Good luck getting a second date.
- Being clingy
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One relevant point How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days got right on the nose is that men hate clingy women. The more you try to pull him to you, the more he will push away. You text him first thing in the morning? I promise he will notice. Triple text because he hasn’t answered your last text? Now, he’s dreading ever replying.
Think about that one guy on your phone whose messages make you think, “Oh boy, not this guy again,” before showing your friends and laughing at it. That’s exactly how he’s starting to see you too.
- Being a gossip girl
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Let’s leave the gossiping to Dan Humphrey because a man will not find it charming. If you go on a first date and start trauma dumping about how your friend wronged you or how messy your roommate is, someone should call 911 to hose down the hot mess you have just created. Energy is everything in a relationship. People pick up on it subconsciously, even if you aren’t aware of it. If you’re already talking about every negative thing in your life within the first few times you go out with a guy, then you have set up the relationship to go downhill really quickly. There is a time and place to rant, but on your first few dates with a guy isn’t it.
- Acting nonchalant
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People love the cool girl, the one who is mysterious and alluring. But get too cool, and you might just become the ice queen who froze her potential relationship in its tracks. If you go out with a man and act like you couldn’t care less if you ever see him again, he’ll make sure your wish comes true. Your first date just became the last date. Sometimes we try too hard to act cool because we don’t want to seem desperate, but moderation is key. If you act too uninterested, he’ll feel like you don’t care about him. And let’s be honest, who wants to go out with someone who couldn’t care less about them?
- Yapping too much
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Listen to this, I learned it the hard way: there is such a thing as too much yap. I know it’s exciting to meet someone new, and the butterflies and nerves may lead you to ramble, but you’ve got to slow it down. If you talk about yourself too much, then a guy will think you have no interest in getting to know him. After all, a date is supposed to be about getting to know each other, not just you filling the silence. Make sure you don’t take the spotlight all to yourself. I’ve met men who claim to be listeners, but they’re liars. Men will listen, but their attention span has limits. Ask him about himself, and let the conversation flow to a point where it’s a 50/50 exchange.
Every date is different. You may meet a man who thinks everything I said above is the recipe for the perfect relationship. However, from my past experiences, I’ve found out that these seem to be the biggest turn-offs for guys. When you go out with a man you like, be yourself. Be the “you” that is authentic because you don’t need him to fall in love with a fake version of you. Do what you feel is right, but also make sure to keep him in consideration. By doing that, you’ll unlock a whole new “how–to” guide: how to keep the guy you want.