Do you ever find yourself feeling unbalanced? Feeling like no matter how much you give to people, you never receive anything in return?
Maybe you’re the “mom friend”, the “smart one”, or the “know-it-all”. Maybe you just feel like a resource to those you’re there for.
It’s a feeling a lot of us face. Many people feel as though the way they fit in is by filling a sort of open position in a group. Even then, you’re still left with a void. For some people, that means being the archetype that always gives, but never gets in return. It’s time for that to change.
Recently, I went through a period of massive change where I recognized that, totally unbeknownst to me, I was a doormat for people. The person they text only when they need help, only when they need to know something, only to avoid having to do something themselves. Trust me, for years I was more than happy to help, feeling as though by doing anything everyone asked of me with no boundaries, I was at the very least included. After a very long time of setting this dynamic up with almost everyone in my life, I had more friends than ever, but I also felt more isolated than ever before. How could I finally have friends, but still feel so alone?
The truth is, anyone who doesn’t value you for the whole of who you are, is not your friend. To them, the totality of who you are as a person is the resource you’re capable of offering, rather than the intrinsic traits that make you, you.
It can be hard to recognize your own worth but, take this as a sign, it is time to live for you. It is time to find people who appreciate you, not for what you can do for them, and here is how to get started.
1. Identify your interests
Living for others often leads to you not hosting an identity outside of being “a helper”, so now is the time to do some self-reflection, and figure out who you are. What are some hobbies you’d like to try? Do you have any special skills that you have never fully tapped into? Do you have something you used to love, but then let go of? Find those interests, talents, and capabilities, and define who you are!
2. Put yourself out there
Depending on what you’re comfortable with, it is so important that you put yourself out there. Whether that means joining a club or making it a point to go out and make new friends, it is so important that you develop yourself as an individual outside of your previous constraints. Go find something new to do! Being a part of a group or organization that appreciates you for the first time will feel so liberating.
3. Analyze your relationships
Why are you friends with this person, and why are they friends with you? If the answer is convenience, fear of loneliness, or honestly anything other than the fact that you genuinely like that person, it’s time to re-evaluate. If a relationship is taking a vast emotional toll, it’s time to do some deep reflection and consider who this new phase of your life includes.
4. Set up boundaries
With people who have previously held an unbalanced relationship with you, it’s time to set some boundaries. Next time, when someone asks you to do something that inconveniences you or requires you to drop something important to you, analyze whether or not you actually have time to help, and if you don’t, respectfully decline! If you want to take it one step further, express your concerns about the imbalance, and maybe you can find a medium in the relationship that is so much healthier.
5. Take action
Turning your life around in such a monumental way can seem scary. Trust me, overhauling my life and discovering who I was, was one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made, but it was also my best. It’s time to do yourself a favor, and live for you.
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish. You matter, too, and it’s time to start treating yourself like it.