As someone who used to perform on a Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcast, over the years, I’ve seen those beloved characters portrayed in multiple different shapes, sizes, colors, genders— you name it. As a film student, I like to think I have a pretty good idea of characterization and what goes into consideration during the talent casting process. A fun topic of conversation across all shadowcasts around the world and fans of the movie alike is who would be included in your ultimate cast lineup if somebody were to remake the movie. (I mean a GOOD remake. We in the Rocky community try to actively forget the 2016 monstrosity).
We all know that nothing beats the original — there will never be another Tim Curry, and nobody can ever replace Meat Loaf — but if you were the one in charge of casting the next generation Rocky Horror Picture Show, be it for the stage or the silver screen, or a one-time TV special, which celebrities (in your opinion) have the chops to not only stay true to the original, but do it justice and bring a quality performance to the show? I’ve put a lot of thought into my personal “dream cast” for many years now, so I thought it’d be fun, since Halloween is just around the corner, to share it with you and perhaps inspire you to consider your own lineup!
- Sacha Baron Cohen as Dr. Frank-N-Furter
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Introducing my lineup is, of course, the man himself. As the main, top-billed character in the film, Frank is probably the hardest one of them all to cast. Most people picture Frank as being played by any generic brown-haired white guy, or a prolific Broadway performer, but I have the best dream Frank-N-Furter in mind because he’s somebody who most people may not have even thought of! I’m talking about actor Sacha Baron Cohen. Just like the originator of the role, Tim Curry, he is an English actor. I’ve seen Cohen as ThĂ©nardier in Les MisĂ©rables (2012) and as Pirelli the barber in Sweeney Todd (2007), so he can SING — an absolute must for whoever portrays Frank. Cohen is arguably best known for his original characters, specifically Borat and BrĂĽno, both of whom fashion some very outlandish costumes at one point or another. Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s claim to fame is that he is a “Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania” and sports heavy makeup, stockings, garters, heels, and a corset for much of the film. There’s something fearless and chaotic about Cohen that I feel he would be more than capable of handling the role.Â
- James Marsden as Brad Majors
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Speaking of generic brown-haired white guys, it’s Brad Majors! If I were casting the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the 1980s, actor Rick Moranis would be my first choice to portray Brad, but since we’re in the 2020s now and Moranis is pushing 70, my plans will have to wait until after they invent time travel. I think James Marsden is a very cute boy with a very pretty smile, and he is my pick to portray the role of my dream Brad Majors. Marsden and his anthropomorphic animal sidekicks always seem to be getting themselves into troubling scenarios (see: Enchanted (2007), Hop (2011), Sonic the Hedgehog (2019), etc). Albeit no cute talking animals, this flick is no different. Marsden seems to be very well-adept at playing the straight man; just throw on a set of glasses and I can easily picture him as the shy, newlywed-type. Plus, I think his legs would look really good in a pair of thigh-highs.
- Amanda Seyfried as Janet Weiss
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Opposite Brad Majors, we have his fiancĂ©e, Janet Weiss. Janet Weiss is a very “Sandy Olsen-esque” character: naive girl-turned-bad girl after meeting a boy and associating with the wrong crowd. After seeing Amanda Seyfried, who looks to me like the human version of the bottom emoji, in Ted 2 (2015), I know she can portray both sides of that coin very well. She was also in Mamma Mia (2008) and the sequel (2018), as well as Les MisĂ©rables (2012), so she can sing VERY well, and that’s why she’s my pick to play my ideal Janet Weiss.
- Jeremy Irons as Riff-Raff
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Riff is another character I struggled to cast. In the original, creator Richard O’Brien cast himself to portray the role. I really can’t think of any other celebrities I know who have the same bone structure and all-around creepiness that O’Brien puts into the character. Going solely by his voice, I think I’d love to see Scar himself, actor Jeremy Irons, toss his hat in the ring and give it a shot. I think he would exude a different aura of creepiness than O’Brien, but still do the role justice.
- Helena Bonham Carter as Magenta
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This one goes without explanation: just LOOK at her! Magenta has major “bride of Frankenstein” vibes, so naturally, I have to cast the queen of Halloween, HBC, as my perfect Magenta here. Plus, it would be fun to have a little “ThĂ©nardier” and “Sweeney Todd” reunion between her and my dream Frank-N-Furter, Sacha Baron Cohen!
- Taylor Momsen as Columbia
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Next we have the youngest character of the bunch, Columbia. Columbia is a character I played frequently when I was on my cast, so she’s very special to me. Being joined at the hip of the rock-n-roller, Eddie, she holds the title of “groupie.” I genuinely liked how she was portrayed in the forbidden 2016 FOX TV special; it was different — very much like what I picture actual, real-life, rock star groupies looking like — but it worked! At the risk of typecasting her to fit my aesthetic, I wanted her to be played by somebody youthful, but at the same time, punk rock and badass. Who better than Cindy Lou Who herself and lead singer of the rock band, The Pretty Reckless, Taylor Momsen?
- Jack Black as Eddie
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Eddie was actually the first character I pondered for my Rocky Horror dream cast, and my favorite in the entire movie. He’s only on-screen for one song — roughly three and a half minutes of the film — but there’s so much character and energy packed within those three and a half minutes, so it has to be someone special. I performed with many different Eddies during my time on cast, even performing the role myself a couple of times, and each of them had their own strengths. I mentioned at the beginning of this article that there’s no replacing the originator of the role, Meat Loaf. However, (and don’t flame me for saying this), but I think there’s one man whom, if given the opportunity, could summon the chaotic energy and rock-n-roll gods and play Eddie better than Meat played Eddie. That man is the one and only, Mr. Jack Black. Jack Black comes with a rock band of his own, Tenacious D, so he knows the behavior already. It’s an absolute crime that we will probably never get to experience a “Hot Patootie” by Jack Black in this lifetime, and I cry about it every day of my life.
- Luke Hemsworth as Rocky Horror
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Ah. The namesake of the film, the creation: Rocky Horror. Honestly, Rocky is just a beefcake who has to flex and look good for the movie’s entire second half. He has no lines; in the original, he was portrayed by a male model with little to no prior acting experience. I’d be happy to see ANY of the Hemsworth brothers as the character of Rocky, however for the sake of posterity, I decided to go with the oldest, Luke, as my ideal Rocky.
- Mark Hamill as Dr. Everett Scott
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One of wheelchair-bound Dr. Scott’s defining characteristics is his thick German accent, and believe me when I say I’ve spent many a day researching well-known actors with noticeable German accents. Still, none of them really fit my perception of the role. To no avail, I gave up and decided I just REALLY want to see Mark Hamill, aka Luke Skywalker, in Rocky Horror somehow and in some way. I love it when franchise actors like Mark Hamill, who risk the longevity of their careers by being known for one defining character for their entire lives, get the opportunity to branch out and make other names for themselves. Plus, he gets to sing a song!
- Jeff Bridges as The Criminologist
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Rounding out my dream cast is The Criminologist, affectionately known as “Crim” by Rocky Horror fans and shadowcasters. He is the narrator of the story, and that’s his sole purpose. I don’t really know how I came up with The Dude, Jeff Bridges filling this role, but I’m not complaining. I’m sticking with it and I’d really like to see it.
So, in honor of spooky season, that‘s my perfect dream cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show if I were in charge of casting, years in the making, and I’m proud to share it with all of you. I challenge you to create a dream cast of your own, not necessarily only for Rocky, but for any movie you’d like! Let me know if you agree or disagree with my selections and why. I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with! Happy hauntings!