While Valentine’s Day can be the most majestic day of the year if spent with your significant other, it usually sucks if you’re single. It’s the one day out of the year you get to listen to your best friend go on about how her boyfriend is “literally perfect,” and you can’t tell her to shut the hell up. I mean its Valentine’s Day, do you really want to be known as the b*tchy AND bitter one in your group of friends? However, if you’re reading this article then you probably are that friend.
On the bright side of being single for eternity, you should know that you aren’t alone!!! While it might feel like everyone around you is paired off, the majority of your friends are most likely single, as well. (You should start to feel better knowing this, but you probably won’t.) Gather your favorite fellow single betches, and get this Valentine’s Day shindig started!
Sh*t Talk Everyone You Know Who’s On A Perfect Valentine’s Day Date
While this won’t make you look good to others, it will sure as hell make you feel better on the inside. Although I don’t personally condone sh*t talking, I make a special exception for Valentine’s Day. “Did you see Kelly muploaded on Insta that her boyfriend put rose petals all over her bed? Yeah but she’s a gap toothed slut, and her cellulite is on a whole new level, so she can have her stupid rose petals.”
Eat All the Perfect Valentine’s Day Food in One Sitting
Since you’re single, you won’t be getting naked tonight with anyone so you might as well eat everything and anything. This should be a very exciting realization, since you don’t have to feel paranoid being in the nude. Your meal should start with the basics: alcohol. *ONLY IF YOU ARE 21+ OR IN THE BAHAMAS* Nothing says let’s get this party started better than getting yo buzz on.
Here is the perfect remedy for realizing you will be alone for the rest of your life – Pomegranate Champagne Punch. This recipe comes from my home girl, Martha Stewart. (This activity will make step 1 much more enjoyable.)
Since you’re going all out with your gal pals (and male friends, we don’t discriminate) you will need to order lots and lots of pizza. Pizza is the perfect remedy for a broken heart, or in your case the perfect carb to absorb the alcohol. Of course, we can’t forget dessert. If you plan on drinking lots of punch, then you may wanna swing by Publix before the party and pick up one of their pre-made desserts. Anything chocolate will do.
Ingredients – Pomegranate Champagne Punch
- 1 1/2 cups pomegranate juice
- 1 cup pear nectar
- 1/4 cup orange-flavored liqueur, such as Grand Marnier
- 1 bottle (750 ml) Champagne or Sparkling Wine
In a large pitcher, combine pomegranate juice, pear nectar, and orange-flavored liqueur. Slowly add Champagne. Serve over ice.
Watch All The Typical Romantic Movies
While some of you may find this to be strange, since they’re all romantic movies, it’s actually genius. If you can watch all the cheesy romantic movies and laugh about them with your friends, that means you have finally conquered that ridiculous feeling sorry for yourself bullsh*t. Also, what better way to become an independent woman than with the support of your fellow cynical friends?
The first must watch movie is, Pretty Woman. If you watch this movie and say to yourself, “Golly, I wish I was a prostitute who found love with a hot rich older man,” THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT. This movie is absurd. Although it is extremely entertaining, that is all it is. You should not base your self-worth on a socially offensive fairy tale. Watch it, drink your punch, and mellow the hell out.
The next movie to view during your soiree is, Dirty Dancing. This movie has lots of stimulants – violence, sex, and some dancing, right? Also, you get to see Jennifer Grey before her nose job, and that’s always fun! I would suggest another movie, but, let’s be real, you drank a lot of punch and you’re fast asleep.
Rejoice with Your Friends That You Didn’t Have to Spend Any Money on Anyone
Congratulations, you didn’t have to spend any of your hard-earned money on anyone but yourself. That means, in layman’s terms, more shoe money. I mean, come on, we’re starving college students, and Knight’s Library cover and Midnight Munchies really start to take a toll on our finances.
Knowing that you didn’t have to spend money on a Michael Kors watch for your boyfriend, even though he wouldn’t even know what it was, should make you feel exuberant. So, as the night starts to dwindle, summon your friends around for a toast on having enough money in the cookie jar for those perfect Jeffrey Campbell pumps, because, come on, you deserve them!
Happy Valentine’s Day from my single life to yours!