It’s the time of year when holiday cheer is in the air, and while it’s the time for giving, it’s important not to give your whole self away.
As a people-pleaser, this time of year used to suck me dry, and I’m not just talking about my wallet (although the inflation rate this year might do it). It was saying yes to every event, trying to find everyone the perfect gift, and agreeing to volunteer for things when I really just needed a nap. It wasn’t an easy process to figure out my boundaries and how to stay firm with them, but the reward for this is a priceless level of inner peace and positive relationships in my life.
I Had to Learn the Power of No
The fear of missing out is real, and because of that fear, I used to say yes all of the time. This seems like the easy solution until you realize that there are other things you want to do with that time. Sure, it’s nice to go to an event with friends, but as someone who used to commute for an hour to be at some events, I would be driving for 2 hours to be at an event for 3 hours. That’s 5 hours for an event, which is almost a quarter of a day I could’ve spent catching up on my sleep, binge-watching something on Netflix, or spending time with my dog and not talking.
Waiting to Respond: My First Mistake
There are people who are just brutally blunt and there are times I wished I was like that. Sometimes, people rub you the wrong way in the moment; you hold onto it and then it is like a simmering pot that boils over at the wrong moment. This happened to me with one of my cousins: she made some comments about me that I didn’t like, and then the moment I actually decided to let her know I would like some space, she was talking about the job market. I’m very at peace with the boundary I set, but she probably thinks I hate hearing about her job. I couldn’t possibly need the boundary because she made me feel bad about myself more often than not, or she would talk down to me. Trust me, I’m very happy with the boundary I’ve set.
Clear Communication is Key
It’s a mistake that I made when I was younger that people would just figure out how I felt based on my attitude and how I expressed my emotions. But that grew to be a problem because people weren’t always looking out for me. I once had a boss that would make a lot of scheduling errors, and the result was that she would ask me to pick up an extra shift or give me a shift when she knew I would be unavailable. When I would point it out to her, she would say, “Well, couldn’t you move it to work this shift? It works for everyone else.”
And I would begrudgingly agree, with the hope that she picked up on the fact that I was doing it begrudgingly. She didn’t, and she would do it to me repeatedly because I had already let her know once it was okay. It stopped happening when I finally told her it was not at all okay.
Sticking to Boundaries Can Be Hard
I know that we are all guilty of venting about our problems to a third party, but the best solution to these problems is to just address the person that you have a problem with directly. There once was a girl who invited me on a trip, and I said no because I was saving that specific destination for something special with my family. She was hurt by it, and while she had told me she wished I would go, she then went around our friend group and embellished the story. She made it out like I had a problem with her personally, and then attacked my character over it. It created quite a divide in our group, but it might have gone over better if we hadn’t had to stew over the situation.
There’s so much going on this season, and sometimes it is so easy for me to slide back into the care-taker, people-pleasing version of me. But I feel so much better when I am taking care of myself and sticking to my boundaries, and that knowledge is giving me a good amount of peace and holiday joy.