Go ahead and pretend you’re ashamed to live in the glorious world of Tinder—I embrace it, love it, and am more than happy to share my findings with all of you low key Tinderonians.
1. Holding Puppy/Cat/Tiger Guy
Generally the guy holding the animal…looks like an animal himself. Holding an adorable kitten next to your face, doesn’t take away from the fact you look like you would murder me in a dark alley.
2. No Sense of Camera Angle Guy
This is the guy who appears to have never held a camera or had his picture taken before. You can generally see up his nose, the whites of his eyes, or what he looks like in bird’s eye view. Be careful, this type will stare so intensely into the camera, that your soul is at risk when you come across their Tinder page.
3. Shirtless/Gym Guy
This guy has 80% of his pictures taken in a workout facility. He’s either flexing with a creepy smile or trying to act casual standing half naked on a beach. These are the insecure guys. They’re searching for compliments and an ego boost, while we’re searching for the X on the screen.
4. How do You Exist in Society Guy
This is the guy dressed in strange costumes, naked with smiley faces covering their junk—need I say more? You sit there and wonder if anyone has swiped right to them, ever.
5. Blatantly Cat Fishing You Guy
He’s the guy with only one picture. That picture contains the most beautiful creature you’ve ever laid eyes upon. It’s also an account most likely controlled by a 40 year old man sitting in a bean bag chair, eating TV dinners.
6. In Your Class at School Guy
We always come across that guy who is in our 10:30 A.M. Tuesday/Thursday. You then have two decisions to make:
1. Swipe right and use it as a flirting tactic.
2. Swipe left, hoping he doesn’t come across your account and recognize you.
If you’re ballsy enough to pick number one, you better pray he’s your future boyfriend or class will be awko-taco all semester.
7. I’m Only in Town Visiting Guy
I’m sorry, this isn’t the Brothel Babes app (you wanted to see if that was a real app for a second). We aren’t sitting on Tinder, hoping some tourist from Minnesota will come gallivanting into town so we can “entertain” them. Please swipe left ladies, always. We know this guy’s agenda.
8. Only Has Pictures of Cars Guy
Unless you’re Shia LaBeouf posting pictures of your fellow Transformers cast members…then we could care less what your motor vehicle looks like. We aren’t trying to ride your bike…we’re trying to ride…well…enough said. So let us see your face already.
Oh wait…I didn’t mention any type of guy who’s awesome, can hold a conversation and wants to take you on a date?—There’s a reason for that. He exists on sites you pay for. Tinder on my friends, Tinder on.