A few years ago, I was good friends with a boy who had a crush on me for a while. Most of our friends knew about it, and I was continuously asked why I wouldn’t “just give him a chance”. I thought the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him was enough, but that didn’t seem to be a good reason to other people. They expected me to know about some big secret flaw, or have an underlying reason that was keeping me from going on a date with him. But in reality, I just didn’t want to.
Now in college, even though we think we’re all more mature, this pesky problem still persists. People complain about being “friend zoned” and wondering why people reject them.
It’s logical to want a reason for being rejected, but most people want the reason to be some external force that they can’t control, so their ego stays intact. I get it; it hurts to think somebody doesn’t like you because of you. Naturally, we try not to hurt each other’s feelings. So, people make excuses like not being ready for a relationship, or being too busy, or wanting to be single and experience college life (Disclaimer: every once in a while, those are true). We wouldn’t need all of these excuses if the real answer weren’t so insultingly simple: there’s no attraction.
Attraction comes in many forms. It can be physical, emotional, spiritual, you name it. Ideally, we find somebody we are attracted to in all those ways. But, it doesn’t work like that most of the time. Â
Just because somebody is physically attractive does not mean you have to be attracted to them. There are more factors than just physical attraction required for some to be seriously interested in others. The requirements are different for everyone. It makes sense that everyone has different taste, because the world is so full of diversity. People have different “types”, and everybody feels these attractions differently. That’s why we don’t always understand each other in situations involving rejection.
It isn’t necessarily about liking someone or not liking someone, it’s about the way you work together. I am very cautious and introverted, so I probably wouldn’t work out with someone who loves to socialize and try new things. That doesn’t mean I would dislike that person or think they are bad, it only means we wouldn’t fit well.
Rejection should not be an insult; it should be a learning experience. If the goal of relationships is to find the person we want to be with forever, we shouldn’t be insulted when someone is ruled out (process of elimination, right?). Think about the qualities of that person that worked and didn’t work for you, and keep them in mind the next time around.
If you don’t want to date somebody, don’t feel bad about it. You are not obligated to have feelings for anyone, and you should not try to force attraction. You don’t have to “give them a chance” or give them any reason other than you don’t want to. If somebody complains about you “friend zoning” them, tell them to stop whining. I’m not even sure why the friend zone even exists. If you are friends with someone who has to stick a label on your relationship, tell them they’re lucky to be in that so-called friend zone. Make relationships with people who appreciate you as a human being, not just a potential mate. Be with people who love having you in their life, even if your relationship is not romantic. Â
Â