History was made this week when ABC aired the season premiere of the Bachelorette with a “fun” new twist – the first night, the guys chose this season’s lucky lady, Kaitlyn or Britt. Personally, I was not looking forward to this new way of doing things, but I can appreciate ABC’s attempt to spice this season up and break up the Bachelore/Bachelorette’s monotony. Like most other females in America, I am addicted to watching this show for reasons I can’t figure out, so I figured I would make the most of my viewing time by writing down levery unfiltered thought I had during the first episode. (Because that’s productive.) For anyone dying to know what a sassy 20-year-old girl sitting in her room by herself watching the Bachelorette thought every moment for 2 hours of her life, this is for you.
Just a forewarning – I was a little biased regarding who I wanted to be the Bachelorette. #SorryNotSorry
The Bachelorette Diary
Is the season premiere ever NOT the most dramatic yet? Yes Chris Harrison, this is definitely controversial.
I don’t even understand what is going to happen tonight. What happens if the one they don’t vote for doesn’t win? I already feel awkward and this hasn’t even started.
I don’t like this.
I’m sorry but I do not follow the logic of how it would “be best” to have the men decide the Bachelorette.
“Will this be awkward and probably a bit painful? Sure!” This is one of the most ridiculous things Chris Harrison has said in 11 years, which is saying something.
Ugh Kaitlyn! I love you.
It literally rips my heart out to rewatch a clip of Chris Soules sending Kaitlyn home. She is so cool.
Britt was such a liar… she hated Arlington!
Really enjoying the well-chosen adjectives to describe the differences between Britt and Kaitlyn. Are they really trying to compare Britt’s tendency to cry a lot to Kaitlyn’s sense of humor? No thanks.
“Two very different women…” Understatement of the year. “Both want the same thing – to be the next bachelorette.” What about love, Chris Harrison? Don’t they want love?!
First Contender: Jonathan
Oh my god, your child is adorable. I’m loving this twinkly, innocent music.
“He [my son] will always be there for me.” Stop. Too cute. Okay this guy seems sincere and really sweet.
Oh wait, he wants Britt…reevaluating my judgment.
Next up: Joe!
THAT ACCENT THOUGH. HAHA! I cannot handle how adorable his accent is. Good ole’ Amurrrrrrican values!
Also he wants Kaitlyn so I like him.
Next: Josh from Chicago
A criminal defense law student? And a firefighter… casually not wearing a shirt. Typical. What an American hero.
Oh wait he is a stripper. HAHAHAHA that was such an excellent transition. Well played ABC, well played.
Brady
He seems maybe a bit too serious for me…and a little too emotional… Oh, he wants Britt! They can be emotional together and have fun! I think that would be a match made in heaven.
Joshua
Ha! “Not a lot of options in Kuna.” I have no idea where Kuna is so yeah, probably not. He wants Kaitlyn and is playing with puppies! He is perfect! I’m really enjoying this analogy relating welding and love. Sparks are gonna fly! Damn, that’s a nice iron rose. #Skillz
Ian from Venice beach
Oh, I casually ran track at Princeton too… no big.
Wait, this is really sad. He seems like a quality guy. I really respect his story. OH MY GOSH HE CAN RUN EVERY DAY AGAIN! I AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM! This guy’s definitely a survivor, and he wants Kaitlyn! I say yes to you.
Jared
You’re scaring me a little bit. Am I the only one getting a really creepy vibe?
He wants to be “Loveman”? Ummmm no thanks.
Okay, he’s really scaring me! I’m sure you’re a nice person Jared, but why does your dog have a cape?
If Ezra Fitz was really creepy and had a beard, I might confuse him with this guy.
Tony the Healer
Good luck staying zen on this show. “Flexibility therapy”… “Sensitive”….
He seems a little antisocial.
Oh my god. WHY DID YOU KISS THAT PLANT? WHAT IS THIS?
Okay I’m uncomfortable and have had enough of you and you are going to drown in the drama-filled house if you make it that far.
Ben: the Personal Trainer from San Jose
Starting football player at San Jose State? You got an NFL tryout? Okay okay, you’re legit. Nice deadlift, by the way. Ugh, a sad mom story :(
He seems like a quality guy – he likes both women! He is open to love! He is good!
Okay yay! Real things are finally about to happen! Wait, this is going to be really awkward when they arrive. THIS INTENSE ENTRANCE MUSIC – I love it.
Britt’s face says it all. Kaitlyn is so happy and cute.
Battle of the black dress and the white dress – subtle, ABC. Of course Britt is wearing white, trying to foreshadow that she will be a bride.
Britt doesn’t have pink lipstick on so I don’t recognize her.
Ugh I don’t want the men to have all the power tonight! This is not how this is supposed to go!
Is the bachelorette trying to compete with Awkward for viewers?
Oh god, they have to stand there at the same time while the guys arrive?! I’m nervous, too.
Alright, first guy’s out! Goes straight for Kaitlyn! Yes! I’m just realizing this sucks for them because the guys have to come up with two clever lines now instead of one during their first impressions.
How are they deciding who to say hi to first? HAHA I love watching the other one awkwardly stand there and wait to be greeted. Ugh, none of them have any fun, clever lines yet. Clint is really awkward. Ryan B – Britt looks like a Disney princess? I’m not sure what Disney movies you watch but…
Jared, you’re still creepy.
And he still wants to be a superhero?! Things have gone way too far with your superhero outfit! It’s honestly really dumb to ask the women how they’re feeling. Obviously this is really awkward. They feel awkward and nervous.
YOU ARE NOT “LOVEMAN”!
Kaitlyn is too real. Mad respect for her. Why are they all going for Britt right now? Do other people in America want Britt to be the Bachelorette?
“I feel bad being so excited!” Really Britt?
I don’t like this because Britt is good at lying and tricking them! This whole situation is basically tailored to make Britt look good and make Kaitlyn’s nerves salient.
Go Ian! You go for your woman! Another JJ? I don’t know any JJ’s, yet there have been two recently on this show. Hmmm…
“I would love to puck you!” HAHAHA FINALLY SOMEONE GIVES A GOOD PUN!!! I’ve been waiting for this. Joe’s moonshine! You’re too cute. I don’t think she actually thinks it tastes good, but she took it like a woman. Justin with the balloons – I like it, I like it!
OMG Britt! Do you really care that much that you’re not getting gifts? Get over it! This is the Bachelorette, not your 3rd grade birthday party! Oh, now she gets a gift so she’s happy.
Shawn B… I love how you address both at once. Way to acknowledge the awkwardness! He’s kinda got a Ryan Gosling thing goin’ on which I’m really digging…HAHA Britt wants him but he’s here for Kaitlyn! Sorry that was mean of me. But sidenote, Shawn has really good social skills. This drama is too good – Britt’s gonna need those tissues already! Classic.
Kaitlyn going inside is cheating? She “wants to win and be Bachelorette”? There are no rules, Britt! She is just being nice! This is her love life, it’s not about “winning.” She can do whatever she wants!
Tony the healer is back! I can’t get enough of this guy! Just kidding, I already have. Wait… did he just say the same thing twice? I don’t think this guy is the sharpest tool in the shed.
Uh oh, someone is already drunk …typical. Oh Ryan. He’s “all horned up”? Can you leave please?
A HOT TUB CAR? WITH AN AMATEUR SEX COACH INSIDE? ABC is really breaking barriers this season. OH MY GOSH THE DRUNK GUY! Ugh that was such a great entrance and he ruined it. “The carpool” – I live for these puns.
This guy just rolled up IN A CUPCAKE! THIS IS THE METHOD OF TRANSPORTATION FROM MY DREAMS! Now I want to eat a cupcake. Best dentist ever! He looks like someone, but I can’t figure out who. Yay, the welder is back!
Britt, I am so ready for you NOT to be the bachelorette.
Alright. Enough of the introductions and Britt complaining that she’s not getting enough attention. Let’s get this cocktail party started!
Wait Cory how did I miss you before? You seem cute. Chris the dentist confuses me for some reason. I’m not sure what I think of him yet. Hahaha! All the weird guys like Britt.
Kaitlyn! I like your jokes, girl! Kupah! I just like saying his name. Aaaaaaand Ian goes in for the first move. Atta boy. Okay, Kaitlyn gets nervous, but she is real! Britt acts all cool and collected but I don’t trust her.
Shawn B fell in love at first sight? Mental groan. Still love him though.
I like how all the guys are basking in their choosing power tonight. Not for long boys, not for long.
Another season, the same conversations. I can only listen to people have superficial conversations and then say they “really understand” the person so many times.
No way. That drawing of Chris Harrison is SO GOOD! Is that for sale or…?
“The voting room is now open.” AKA the Bachelorette has become Survivor.
No pressure, guys.
Why did Tony kiss the rose?! I am scared of him. I think he should go marry Ashley S instead. Ugh, these conversations are so cheesy. Still gonna watch though. Does anyone actually get to know each other on this show?
Joe might be more of country man than Chris Soules!
Be careful what you say, boys! Whatcha gonna do if your girl gets voted off the island?! I feel like if this was the Bachelor, the girls would be way more strategic about their comments.
I don’t really understand what is going to happen…Are they going to leave if the woman they want isn’t chosen as the Bachelorette?
I think the same thing has been said every minute of this episode. “It’s awkward.” “This is a weird situation.” Corny as ever!
Ahhh I really like Kaitlyn’s explanation for her tattoo. Shocker: They actually just talked about something personal.
Whoa man, you haven’t fallen in love yet! Slow down there! I’m sorry, but do they really think they can tell what another person is like after meeting them for 10 seconds?
Can we get this drunk guy outta here? This isn’t even fun drama. Ugh, are you really going to confront the drunk guy about interrupting your carpool moment? You knew nothing was going to come out of that… Someone just wants camera time!
One of my favorite Bachelorette quotes: “It was a gross mismanagement of time to talk to him… It was my civic duty to end their conversation.” JJ, you’re makin’ me crack up!
Did he really just touch her butt?! This isn’t real. LEAVE.
How long did this night last?! I can’t tell if this all happened in 20 minutes or 10 hours…
The drunk guy just HAD to wear a speedo, didn’t he. Did he just say “why am I not raping you right now”? I’m legitimately uncomfortable and upset and want him gone. Can someone punch him?
Ooooh you’re in trouble with Chris Harrison! It just got REAL.
I might need to get drunk to continue watching this.
Wow, Drunk Guy really did not fight that request for him to leave at all. One down already! Droppin’ like flies. Of course Chris Harrison gets to send the first person home.
The beloved line, “He’s not here for the right reasons.” AND SO IT BEGINS.
I don’t like that there is voting on the Bachelorette. It feels really unnatural. This is not a game show.
Wait, I really like Shawn. He is cool, and he has a sexy voice. And he has a drawing from a child! You win. EVERYTHING! They have a good connection, I’m feelin’ it. Kaitlyn says possible love at first sight?! Wow that’s intense. Okay he definitely has a Ryan Gosling thing going on.
I feel like Chris Harrison might have been destined to be a game show host. Did the guys really just sit around for 10 hours and repeat the same things over and over to each other? They talk about these women like they’re political platforms. “Are you Pro-Kaitlyn or Pro-Britt?”
This intense death music… The opening of the boxes… So dramatic. The music in this episode is TOO on point.
UGH JUST TELL ME WHO IT IS!
I can’t believe I waited two hours for this when it could have been condensed into 4 minutes, tops.
I’m kind of scared of the results because I already want Shawn and Kaitlyn to get married and I’m committed to that hope.
How do they announce this? Does Chris Harrison get to do a personal rose ceremony?
Wow.
Of course they pulled a “To Be Continued” on me. I probably just wasted 2 hours of my life, but I’m going to do it again tomorrow anyways.