We don’t know what we don’t know. There are so many times we can look back at something and think, “Why would I do that?” It’s been three years and I still don’t know the answer; I may never know the answer.
I’m going to discuss topics of disordered eating and the things that people don’t tell you about, given my own experience with the subject. I hope that this article can help anyone or comfort anyone in recovery or looking to get help for themselves, because asking for help can sometimes be the biggest obstacle in recovery. I’ll be discussing topics that may be sensitive to some and I advise readers that don’t want to read about body and eating to please exit my article and find another wonderful one that is better suited for you.
I don’t remember how it happened, but one day I realized I had gone days without eating a full meal. At first I was fine; I believe my adrenaline, stress, and anxiety were suppressing my appetite. Eventually, I found myself wondering, “Well, what if I just kept this going?” I knew about eating disorders; I think whether we like to admit it or not, a lot of us fall short on the topic of “eating the best” or “healthiest,” and we may even beat ourselves up over the food we consume or don’t, naturally. I thought I could just moderate what I was eating or maybe consume less of everything, as long as I didn’t cross the line that I knew (or thought I knew).
It’s interesting when we do things that we know aren’t good for us. All we can do is try to be responsible, get close to the line but never cross it, until one day you do and you realize nothing bad has happened.
By the time I realized I had surpassed that line, walked far away enough that if I turned back to look at it, it wasn’t even in sight anymore. This was when I lost my hair. They say your hair is the last thing to go and unfortunately the last thing to come back. The sad thing is I really liked my hair, but I couldn’t put it up without seeing my scalp. I wish someone would’ve told me that my morning routine would become longer trying to find new ways to cover any bald spots.
I don’t like the cold. I used to love visiting my family in Colorado for Christmas when the snow would fall, but eventually, I decided to stay in or skip out entirely on snow trips. It hurt when it was cold. Unfortunately, being malnourished led me to become anemic, which could become something worse. Not feeding my body with the nutrients it was begging me to take would result in me not being able to open a water bottle for the kids I would nanny for. I would even take naps whenever the kids were being tutored so that I could regain enough energy to tend to them. I think this was the part that made me ultimately get better. I loved the kids I worked for and it would’ve killed me if I they ever knew what I was going through.
One day as I was eating some fruit snacks, I felt a crunch. That crunch was half of my tooth. My body was so malnourished that my teeth were decaying. The most dangerous part was that we didn’t have good health insurance, so I didn’t tell anyone and carried around floss for about two years.
Fast forward to Summer 2023; I worked a lot over the season and we finally got better insurance. I told my parents about my missing tooth and I was able to make an appointment to get a new one. I remember the day I got it, I had to wait a couple of hours before I could eat. On my way to work, I picked up some pastries for the kids I nanny for as I always do, but this time I picked up one more for me. I shared the pastries with the kids and it was a full circle moment as I would never have allowed myself to do that before.
I wish I could go back and tell myself that no amount of restriction or torment could come close to the feeling of sharing a sweet treat with the people you love and care for. I would never pass up on an opportunity like that or miss out on these small accomplishments again.