Long story short, I’m convinced that I have the worst roommate ever. I know that a lot of people may say that they have the worst roommate ever, but I think that I actually have the worst roommate ever. This experience is even weirder to me, because I’ve never had a bad roommate before. Well, maybe once, but who’s counting? Anyways, those bad roommates look like Mother Teresa compared to the one I have now. You think I’m wrong? That maybe you actually have the worst roommate ever and that I’m just ranting? That no one could possibly be worse than your roommate? Well, let’s find out. We’ll go through the levels of bad roommate hell just like Dante did in Inferno. If you make it through to the last level, then you’ll know if you have a roommate as bad as mine, or even worse. If you select two or more from one level, then you advance to the next. Let’s begin.
Level 1 (this is the irritating, cookie-cutter stuff)
(A) Does your roommate not say “bless you” when you sneeze?
(B) Or not say “thank you” when you bless her when she sneezes?
(C) Does your roommate not say “hello” or “goodbye” to you when she walks in/out of your place?
(D) All of the above
Level 2 (a bit more irritating than usual)
(A) Does your roommate leave dirty dishes sitting in the sink overnight?
(B) How about leave them in the sink for a whole weekend?
(C) How about leave them in the sink for an entire week?
(D) Did I mention that the sink is really small, so when she does this it’s impossible for anyone else in your place to even use the sink? And that she doesn’t care. At all.
(E) I forgot to mention that she is using you dishes and silverware this whole time, so you either never have any, or have to wash the ones that she used.
(F) All of the above
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Level 3 (it gets a bit more interesting)
(A) Does your roommate absolutely never take out the trash?
(B) How about the recycling? Nope, she doesn’t know how to do that either.
(C) Have you guys put up a chore chart with tallies as a way of guilting her into doing some work around the apartment? And it hasn’t changed a thing?
(D) Does your roommate take the trash out literally once a quarter according to your chart?
(E) All of the above
Level 4 (the plot thickens)
(A)Does your roommate play music out loud in the living room while you and other people in your apartment trying to study?
(B) Do they sit at the dining table and watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother (or any other show for that matter) without headphones?
(C) How about while you are studying at the seat opposite her?
(D) Is your roommate so hellbent on not talking to you, that she would rather walk to a light switch across the room to turn it on, than ask you to do it while you’re standing next to it?
(E) All of the above
Level 5 (hold on to your hats)
(A) Does your roommate move your stuff around just so she can put her stuff there?
(B) How about when you set your stuff down in the living room to study, but she pushes it aside so she can sit there and study?
(C) Have you ever set an apple on the table (any object would work here, really) and came back in the room to find that your roommate had pushed it off the table with her stuff?
(D)All of the above
Level 6 (it’s a bumpy ride)
(A) Does your roommate kick her friend/roommate out of the room, so that she can have sex with a booty call?
(B) Does she also only give a two minute warning before he is about to show up, so her roommate has no time to think it over, or grab whatever she needs for the rest of the night?
(C) Does that bad roommate then lie to her booty call about said roommate, and tell him that she’s a guest to the people living in the other room? Because even that booty call guy knows what’s right and what’s wrong?
(D) Does your bad roommate then force her roommate to sleep on the futon in the living room, because she invites the booty call to stay the night?
(E) Did this happen during midterms, when the kicked out roommate wasn’t able to get her lap top or study materials?
(F) All of the above
Level 7 (the very core of Inferno, since we reversed it)
(A) Does your roommate have sex on the futon in your living room and not tell anybody?
(B) Have you ever walked in on your roommate having sex in the living room when she didn’t tell anybody?
(C) Has your roommate ever thrown a Friendsgiving in your apartment? And didn’t invite anybody that actually lived in the apartment?
(D) Has your roommate ever gotten drunk, stolen a sign from a nearby apartment, and left it in your living room for like two weeks?
(E) How about on that same night, invite drunk friends over to the apartment, who block the lock to the security door of your entire apartment building, causing your landlord to send out threatening emails about kicking out residents in the room that did it?
(F) All of the above
If any of your bad roommate experiences go past the horrors of level 7, then I’m so sorry for you. However, then you will know that you may actually have the worst roommate ever, so congratulations! You win the contest of terribleness! Which would make me feel just a bit better, because that would mean that I can handle living with my bad roommate for the rest of the year, since she may not be the absolute worst ever. Until someone’s roommate surpasses mine, however, I will hold to the thinking that mine reigns supreme. Tips and tricks for how to deal with bad roommates are always accepted in my inbox, please show some compassion and send them my way. Maybe even share them with people you know that have bad roommates. The main thing is that all of us with bad roommates stand in solidarity with one another. We will persevere! At least until we can move out.
Gifs courtesy of Giphy.