For the last (almost) four years, my method of coping with performance anxiety in college has been constantly keeping myself busy with either a job or an internship. I was pretty much living in fear that allowing myself to take one break or passing up on one opportunity might be the defining factor in my failure to get a job upon graduation or get into law school. Instead of facing the reasons why I had those fears or questioning the logic behind them, it felt easier for me to give in. Not only did that result in me sacrificing many personal passions and hobbies, but it also resulted in intense academic burnout, leaving me less motivated and without the energy to do many of the things that normal college students enjoy: going out, exercising, and appreciating the fact that (for most of us) college is pretty much the last time in our lives that we get to focus entirely on learning.
As a senior this year, I realized last Fall that I hadn’t paused to enjoy so many of the things that college represents for most people. And this year is my last year to change that. So, instead of immediately searching for a new internship during the last few weeks of my Fall internship at Paramount, I forced myself to focus on the present: to finish my internship heartily, to engage with my classes and professors, to go out with my roomies and to go on dates (whether simply playing video games or going out to dinner) with my boyfriend.
I knew this quarter would be challenging for me. And it has been. Unlike many people, free time puts me on edge. I feel the constant twang of inadequacy and the need to be productive. However, I’m teaching myself to recognize that time as a gift I will not always have, especially when I graduate and enter the workforce. I have the opportunity now to reconnect with myself, whether it be through reading, writing poetry, cooking, journaling ,or just simply having time to engage with my thoughts rather than purposely keeping myself busy. I’ve learned to combat my anxious thoughts with rational ones rather than numbing myself with tasks to keep my mind occupied. For instance, when I find myself comparing my own accomplishments and activities to fellow students or friends, I remind myself of all that I have done and that we are on entirely different timelines and life paths.
The pressure for our generation to constantly be working and have not one but as many internships as possible is immense. But I honestly believe a lot of the pressure is self-inflicted. We are constantly reminded by adults (who almost always did significantly fewer extracurriculars than us in undergrad) about how difficult and competitive the workforce is. Afraid, we work tirelessly to open up every opportunity possible. I’m not saying we should never do internships (in fact, they are pretty much necessary now), but doing one every quarter or even half the year is a lot. Many students only intern in the summer, and that is plenty to ensure “success” upon graduation. In fact, my counselor laughed when I expressed my worry about getting into law school because I am not doing an internship this quarter. As long as you engage in your classes and pursue your interests, you will likely be just fine. That’s something I have had to remind myself of constantly lately.
So, to all my fellow perfectionists out there, I hope I’ve eased some of your anxiety. Remember that you are not just your academic and professional accomplishments, and, as cheesy as it is, the number of bullets you have on your resume. Make sure to make time for you this year.