After my first year at UCSB, I was disappointed. Not by the bonfires by the beach, the rowdy house shows and ragers, and the classes I got to take that deepened my understanding of the world as well as my interests. Instead, I was disappointed by how shy I was — I don’t necessarily blame myself for it, I was weird in high school and not at all used to the bustling social scene at UCSB. I never went out of my way to introduce myself to people in class, or make an effort to spend time with friends I made because I thought I’d read as “annoying” or “desperate.”
The only thing holding me back was myself. With the intention of having a solo-self-discovery-coming-of-age-summer, I decided I’d spend it in Isla Vista (IV) and see what happens. But, I knew virtually no one in IV and prepared myself to be ready to make friends entirely from scratch during my summer here. From one introvert to another, here are my tips for spending an IV summer — without it being so lonely.
be (a little) disrespectful of personal space
Okay, it sounds absolutely terrible when I write it out. There’s nothing worse than the person in the ILP who manages to brush against your elbow despite the incredibly long desks, or the person who stands a little too close to you in line at the Arbor, or (and God forbid) the person who’s constantly bumping into you at a party that’s already sweaty enough as you’re on your triweekly (as in, three times a week) DP Hail Mary.
That’s not what I’m talking about.
What I mean is, don’t be afraid to ignore the empty seats and sit next to someone if you’re taking classes over the summer. Most people are also looking to find friends (especially in class) over summer sessions. In a similar vein, don’t be afraid of asking to trade Instagrams after one brief conversation. This is how I met some of my closest friends this summer! Worst case scenario, you two will just be mutuals and talk to each other when you missed class and need to catch up.
This works outside of class as well, and the best place to start is your neighbors (I’ve heard many an IV neighbor horror story, so skip this if you don’t like them). I was reading outside at night when I heard “Careless Whisper” and discordant singing from the unit right across from mine. Being (slightly — well, very) disrespectful of personal space, I knocked and told them I love “Careless Whisper.” I was asked to join and the rest is history! So, don’t be afraid to befriend your neighbors!
the start of a friendship requires a little flirting, too!
Think about your closest friends and how you bonded. You might’ve found out you both loved the same TV show and hit it off afterwards, they might’ve complimented your going out top, or you might’ve discovered you had a mutual friend and hit it off from there. Do you see what I’m getting at? A friendship requires just as much effort as a relationship (and at the end of the day, a friendship is a relationship).
If you meet someone interesting, keep making an effort to speak to them! Compliment them! Ask them to hang out! It’s critical to maintain that consistent effort with a friendship. I think that’s what I struggled with the most — I was so used to “forced friendships” in high school, where I saw the same people in the same small classroom everyday. In college and beyond, much more effort and communication is required to maintain a friendship. You can see someone in class and have a great conversation, never to see them again unless you ask to sit next to them in class again.
Similarly, sliding into someone’s DMs shouldn’t be saved only for romantic prospects. I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve made this summer by saying, “hey this is Jasmine from XYZ (class, my lab, ‘Bob’s friend’)! I thought you were super cool and we should hang out sometime.” It’s scary, sure, but that initial fear can’t compare to some of the best memories I’ve made during my summer here.
Remember, you are insanely cool and perfect and humble and funny and gorgeous
No one is above you and you aren’t above anyone. And, in general, no one has a reason to automatically dislike you (unless you did something wrong, which you didn’t if it’s someone you just met). You deserve happy and fulfilling friendships and to be comfortable in yourself and who you are. You deserve the world! Don’t hold yourself back; friendships are critical for mental and physical wellbeing.
Be confident! Put yourself out there! Making friends is hard, but what’s harder is having to go through your IV summer feeling lonely. Make that consistent effort to form friendships, don’t be afraid to be (a little bit) in someone’s way, and realize that you are someone who is worthy of getting to know and understand. From one introvert to (I’m assuming) another, you got this. You can do it. And nothing is better than the feeling of getting to curl up with a book and a fun drink after being in good company.