Don’t Villainize the Pick Me Girl

Pick me, pick me.

Why do we love to hate girls that act like girls: girls who love makeup and spending hours getting ready, that know how to charm people and laugh in a way that captivates a room, who inadvertently (or not) seem to gain the attention of men so easily?

Pick me girls are a manifestation of toxic femininity – the label seeks to sow discord among women for expressing traditionally feminine ideals. It differs from traditional masculinity, where men celebrate manhood and encourage other men to conform to the same standard.

Be a man. Don’t be a pussy. Have some balls. Ladies’ man. Bachelor. 

Don’t be a b*tch. Know your place. Ice queen. Vixen. Spinster. 

Sexism is deeply rooted, ever-present, and learned. 

The hashtag #pickmegirl has amassed billions of views on TikTok, the place where I (and I’m sure many of you) first heard the term. Beneath the tag is thousands of videos of women mocking fellow women, with claims like “men are so much less drama than women” and “I don’t need to wear makeup when I go out”.  

Internalized misogyny always interested me because, well, I’m a woman. Also because I notice it everywhere: in my conversations, my family, my thoughts, and in the media I consume. Pick me girls are only one example of countless ways femininity is weaponized to not only control women, but also divide them.  

Hookup culture, a facet of the pick me girl hatred, is often seen as a way for women to reclaim their sexual agency. By fulfilling a fleeting desire with a partner of their choosing, women are somehow empowered. This couldn’t be further from the case, as both men and women experience regret and other feelings of negativity. 

Having the freedom to act on attraction and deriving one’s self-worth from it are two different things. The pick me girl not only suffers from internal misogyny but an obsession with male validation. 

All these factors feed into a pick me girl’s superiority over “those other b*tches”. What she lacks in control over the public sphere, she seeks power in her interpersonal relationships, turning sides when her peers rise above her. It’s a real phenomenon that affects women’s support (or lack thereof) of other women. 

Claiming to not be like other women is in itself a sexist act because it expresses contempt for femininity and the ways women often use it to their advantage. Failing to realize this fact is part of the reason why #pickmegirl angers so many women – because it is easier to hate the players than the system. 

The pick me girl may act on her own volition, but it is often the sexist systems in place responsible for her ideology, because she exists in a space that rewards obedient women. She finds this especially true when they take their rightful place in the shadow of a man.

It’s an unfair world, with even more unfair rules.

Certain women know how to game the system. Some women enjoy being a player. Some refuse to participate. Each choice is valid, but is is clear which women will succeed and which will be scorned.

Sometimes, it’s good to be picked.

• feminism
• feminist
• misogyny
• pick me girl