The intense bike culture at UCSB is undeniable. Everywhere you go, you’re bound to come across a biker zooming through pedestrians, but whether it be on the actual bike path or not is a 50/50 chance. Regardless, UCSB bikers are known to have the right of way despite what the signs around campus may say — I have never come across someone who has actually gotten fined, therefore, I choose to believe those signs are just intimidation tactics. Bikers know this, pedestrians know this, skateboarders know this. Apparently, the only group that doesn’t are the people who ride the f*cking e-scooters.Â
E-scooters, menaces if you will, are the subpar method of transportation around campus. Not only are they ugly, they are also in everybody’s way. On the pedestrian walkway. On the bike path. Even on the road.Â
They think the world revolves around them and it’s time to put an end to that.Â
That’s exactly what I intend to do … on the bike path. After all, this is where my (one-sided) beef with e-scooters began.Â
Everyone knows that the beginning of each quarter is pure chaos on the bike path. Wanna-be bikers set out to conquer the road, yet don’t know basic roundabout etiquette. Many believe it’s the perfect time to learn how to ride a bike. Wrong! There is so much congestion on the bike path, and it doesn’t help when slow bikers don’t stick to one side, thus preventing fast bikers (me) from overpassing them. I don’t care if you’re going slow, just stick to the right side please! But alas, at least I know what to expect from bikers, even the slow ones. I can be lenient with them, I can empathize with them. The same could not be said for e-scooters.Â
If you’re on an e-scooter, why are you taking up the entire bike lane? And on top of that, going so incredibly slow? I thought the whole point of e-scooters was for them to be faster than regular ones. It’s happened not once, not twice, but three times this quarter where I’ve gotten stuck behind an e-scooter-er that was just cruising along the middle of the bike path. Generally, I choose to bike so that I can leave my dorm at the last minute without being late to class, but getting stuck behind an e-scooter doesn’t exactly accomplish the goal of this plan.Â
Thus, I have decided that next time I will simply rear-end any e-scooter that is going to slow for my liking.Â
And another thing, no one who rides an e-scooter knows where to park it. In lecture halls, there are just e-scooters left at the entrances, or sometimes even at the front of the room! Like, hello? Why should they have special treatment when it comes to parking. If they can bring their e-scooters into lecture halls, I can bring my bike. Imagine turning ILP 1203 into another bike rack! At least people would find humor in that, but the general public doesn’t find joy in e-scooters.Â
Thank you Phelps Hall for banning e-scooters in section rooms, I hope more UCSB buildings follow in their footsteps. Seriously, not only does it make it an inconvenience for them, but it makes for a funny scene and humbling moment when building staff have to tell people they need to park their e-scooters outside.
Lastly, I can’t think of a lazier form of transportation across campus than e-scooters. Except for maybe driving a car, there really is nothing more pathetic than standing on an electric scooter to get from I.V. to the ILP. Seeing as most of them cost the same as a bike, just buy a bike! Not only will you become more likable as a person — and probably gain more friends — the exercise would also be good for you. Seriously.
Anyway, all this to say, I will be running into all the e-scooters that interject my path. My patience is already running thin after Tuesday night, so UCSB e-scooters beware of a blue beach cruiser on the bike path, because I will not be merciful. Watch out.Â
The content of this article is mainly satire. While I am not at all a fan of e-scooters, I would never intentionally harm my fellow UCSB classmates — simply give them a mean side-eye. Additionally, if you are using an e-scooter for medical reasons, disregard this article completely.Â