True stories, tips, tricks and how to tell if you’re in the zone!
In case you’re not familiar with the acronym, FWB refers to a term that is all too familiar in college: “friends-with-benefits.” We’ve heard all about the poor guys who get stuck in the “friend-zone,” but haven’t heard much about the girls who get stuck with the status. This is because it doesn’t really happen, seeing as most guys are “dtf” no matter what (rolling my eyes, hard). But what is it that most girls want as bad as guys want sex? Ding, ding, ding! Relationships. Which is why girls get stuck in a little something I like to call the FWB-zone.
Take my experience for example.
The first time this happened to me (I can never seem to learn my lesson the first time), I didn’t really know what was going on. He invited me on a breakfast date (seemingly so innocent, right? Never.)… and then over to his place. He wanted to make-out right away, and immediately wanted things to escalate over to the bedroom. But I’ve always had this one rule: no sex on the first date. So I left. The next time we hung out, he took me out to a nice dinner at this Thai restaurant. After going back to his place and drinking a little wine, we hooked up. No regrets, the night was romantic and fun. The whole casual fling that it turned out to be was pretty fun for a while, until I realized that I was starting to like someone who would never take me seriously. I decided to just go with it. We’re young, we’re in college, we’re having fun, who cares about labels. But I started to really like him. When I finally told him how I felt, he said “Awh, you do?” He kissed me, but never told me he felt the same. After that night, he ghosted me!
I was really excited about meeting new guys when I moved to Isla Vista, assuming they would be so much better than the rag tag selection provided in community college. Yeah, no… not the case. I met a guy via tinder (not off to a great start, I guess you could say). He seemed really cool, and I liked him right off the bat. We ended up “hanging out” (*cough cough* hooking up) for a few months. Basically, our entire fling consisted of him coming over to my place when my roommate wasn’t home. I accepted the FWB deal pretty early on. Once again, I convinced myself that I was okay with it. We’re young, we’re in college, we’re having fun, who cares about labels. That is, until he broke it off with me. I was dumped by a guy who wasn’t even my boyfriend! The kind of thing that seems to only happen to me. A week or so later, he told me that he still wanted to be friends but that it would never be anything more beause he was starting things up with a girl that he actually inteneded on taking “seriously.” Ouch!
(I feel like I just Taylor Swift’d these bros, and it feels good.)
These last two dating experiences got me thinking: Why don’t guys take me seriously? What do the girls with boyfriends do, that I don’t? Well after some serious reflecting, in addition to some further research (i.e getting some info from a few guy friends) I think I finally got my answer:
Hold out on the sex until you get what you want!
It’s kind of a confusing concept that I am just now starting to grasp (I realize that makes me sound a little dumb, possibly a little slutty, but I’m okay with that because I’m fairly certain that I’m not the only one… and hear me out, I have an explanation). I am not ashamed to say that I am a female with a strong sexuality. That being said, I am also a hopeless romantic. If I want to have sex with a guy that I’ve been seeing, I usually just go for it without any extra thoughts on what it might mean for our future. Why overthink it? He wants to, I know I want to! Besides, as long as I’m staying safe, no harm, no foul.
The problem with jumping into sex is that it seems to be what creates the FWB-zone.
Even though he really wants to have you right then and there, and you want it just as bad as he does… somehow, if you agree to it, he won’t have as much respect for you. Apparently, it makes him think that you’re easy, you’re not a thrilling chase, you’re not someone he could take seriously, you’re not girlfriend material.
Basically, we’re being slut shamed.
He thinks less of you because you agreed to do exactly what he wanted you to. Because you did exactly what you wanted to do. Because you wanted to take charge of your sexuality. Um? It’s completely contradictory and confusing, but apparently it’s the way that a lot of guys think (not all guys of course, but I have had a few guy friends of mine confirm this to be the way they felt about things, even though not one of them could give me a clear reason why).
The sad thing is, many girls fear the contrary. He won’t like me anymore if I don’t put out. Now, to add to the list of pressures: he won’t like me anymore if I do put out. Truthfully, we need to stop trying so hard to appease men. It’s exhausting.
Buzzfeed
If you’re not sure if you’re in the zone or not, just ask yourself a few questions: Is the sex to hanging out ratio a little off? Does he take you out on dates? And most importantly, does your fling have a label? If the answers go yes, no, no then you’ve got yourself a FWB situation.
The solution? Honestly, you have the right to do whatever you damn well please. However, if you want the guy your seeing to take you seriously… I think that it’s important to hold out on sex for a little while. If you make them wait until something is established, even if it’s not an offical bf/gf title, there’s a good chance of avoiding the FWB-zone. Sex is a weapon of both love and war, even if it’s not always fair.
Already in the FWB-zone? It’s not too late to turn things around. If the sex is consistent, then there needs to be a break. Maybe a week, maybe two. The next time the two of you hang out, it should be out and about… and without sex. Go grab lunch, get a beer, go to the beach. If he insists on going back to your place or his, tell him that you don’t feel like doing that today. If you want to see if there is any potential in the relationship outside of the FWB-zone, see if you can at least cut back on sex.
If you’re fine with the way things are, that’s okay too. Just know that your fling is likely to have a fast approaching expiration date! But then again, every situation is different, every man is different, and there are exceptions to every rule. I wish everyone luck in their dating ventures!