You know him: the middle-aged man leering behind you in the checkout line, the slimy dude on campus asking you how it’s going, or the guy with the accent calling you “sweetheart”. Being polite in this world full of creepers has its drawbacks, and an inability to dismiss undesirable suitors is one of them. For girls like me who are hesitant to simply snap “Back off”, it is wise to keep a few one-liners in your back pocket that are sure to shut down these fellows’ advances. Keep in mind, these are only useful if you can keep a straight face. Try one—or all—of the excuses below to get out of a sticky situation:
When he asks for your number:
- Memorize the Reject Hotline, then practice and recite it as naturally as you can in place of your real number. To find a Reject number, text your area code to 95577 and receive the closest regional hotline
- Make copies of a fake business card with a pseudonym, fake number, and icky job, like Shark Whisperer or Toenail Clippings Collector
- Tell him you don’t believe in phones, and make sure you look very offended
When he asks “What’s up” or “How’s it goin’”:
- “Great! My psychic told me I’d meet my husband today, and I think she meant you.”
- “You look like my lesbian life-partner’s dad.”
- Make this face (courtesy of Jenna Marbles)until he leaves
When he asks if you’re free to hang out later:
- “All booked. It’s my cats’ wedding anniversary and I’m nowhere near finished decorating.”
- “Only if my parole officer can come too”
- Ask your imaginary friend for permission, then proceed to argue with him or her
After spouting off one of these conversation-enders, if the guy is still interested, something is seriously amiss and it’s time for more drastic measures, like physically leaving the area,–quickly. As adorably as Kate Hudson’s movie ended, sometimes you really do just want to lose that guy.