How to Spot a Douchebag

Douchebag (n): An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears. —Urban Dictionary

How many douchebags do you know? Don’t you wish that a bunch of guys’ faces didn’t just flash through your mind? How great would it be if you could tell immediately upon meeting a guy whether he is genuinely nice or if he is, in fact, a Grade A Douche? Great news: you can! Here is a beginners’ guide to identifying a douchebag. I say “beginners’” because it is by no means universal—many an elusive douchebag exists who may not match any of the criteria below. Regardless, enjoy:

• Brags about hobbies or ethnic background: If he has to boast, he is probably exaggerating, and this is obviously the most—or only—mildly impressive thing about him. Another red flag is a British accent that exists one night but not the next. Not mentioning any names.
• Owns more designer clothing than you do: Okay, maybe he’s not a douche, but if he’s not, he isn’t interested in you either, if you catch my drift. Ignore anything he says about only settling for top quality—he’s just a douche.
• Sends texts like “Hey Sexy”—and isn’t kidding: He’s most likely smirking to himself when he hits ‘Send’, confidently thinking “She wants me.”
• Constantly ‘checking in’ on Facebook: Dude, no one cares that you’re at Davidson Library again. You’ve already told us all to ‘hit you up at the lib’ like six times this morning. Douche.
• The aroma of his cologne overpowers the room: This is the telltale sign of a douche attempting to mark his territory with his signature scent. The fragrance enters the room before the man and exits after him, penetrating your nostrils and mind with its oppressive pungency.
• Has a mirror above his bed: If this guy wants to be the first and last thing he sees each day, by all means, let him carry on.
• Overuses sexual innuendos: If every time you say the word “bed” or “shower” or “library” he cockily turns it into a sexual invitation, he has passed out of the realm of humor and entered the kingdom of douche.
• Pops his collar: I would make an Edward Cullen remark, but there is really no need.
• Always talks about going to the gym: Um, that’s cool…what do you want, a gold star? Put down the phone and pick up the weights.
• Has mirror pictures of himself on Facebook: Just picture him posing for like fifteen minutes trying to get the right angle.
• Complains about his mom: That is just crossing the line. She gave birth to you. That was even more painful than this slap in the face is about to be.