Once upon a time, there was a college girl and a college boy. Over the course of five months, they talked every day, shared their favorite music, called regularly, sent each other TikToks (Gen Z’s truest love language), and made efforts to see each other despite the substantial distance between their schools.
But, if you asked her if she had a boyfriend? “Absolutely not,” she would laugh, seemingly without a care. “It’s just a situationship,” she’d state matter-of-factly.
If this story sounds familiar to you — first of all, I’m sorry — and second of all, you must be intimately familiar with the “situationship:” a noncommittal and casual friendship that involves activities usually shared by “official” couples. Exclusivity is not required, but can be a factor.
These awful, heart-wrenching, pseudo-relationships have recently plagued college students, perhaps due to the rise of hookup culture or due to unchecked toxic masculinity. Regardless of their origin, people who find themselves involved tend to experience the same cliches.
If you’re blissfully unaware of what a situationship entails, allow me to explain! The typical life cycle of a situationship is as follows: two people flirt and begin to consistently hook up with one another. Instead of making things “official,” this cycle continues indefinitely, essentially including all aspects of a romantic relationship except the label. Situationships are usually put out of their misery with a phrase along the lines of, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now,” “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “It’s just not a good time for me.”
From personal experience, the cycle also includes a descent into madness, heartache, and uncertainty; it’s an emotional trainwreck that needs to be left behind — for good. At least before Valentine’s Day, recognize the fact that a situationship may be holding one back from real connection, or even self-love. Shoot your situationship down with Cupid’s arrow, while you still can!
So, if situationships are so bad, what’s the appeal and why do people stay for so long?
On one hand, situationships offer a sense of freedom. People may be attracted to the idea of having “no strings attached.” Especially for students, many enjoy knowing they have the attention of one individual, while still getting to have their “college experience.” AKA, unregulated sexual encounters while protecting themselves from the guilt that their actions may actually be hurting someone else.
On the other hand (or if you’re like me), the false hope that a situationship could evolve into a real dating relationship can keep someone in this cycle for eternity. These delusional expectations get reaffirmed with every bit of attention, every compliment, every smile that makes you feel special. These emotional ups and downs make it all the more devastating when confronted with the fling’s sudden end, even when you may have known it was doomed from the start.
Truthfully, no one escapes a situationship unscathed. Blurry relational expectations inevitably lead to confusion, anxiety, and awkwardness.
I believe situationships need to become a thing of the past. From personal experience, and endless accounts from my closest friends, the detriments of situationships seriously outweigh any benefits.
In my experience, one of the worst parts of the situationship is the invalidation of feelings. I know I’ve felt stupid, crying over people who don’t give me the respect I deserve, while fully aware I’m not getting what I deserve, and ultimately feeling idiotic for having emotions like this over someone I’m not even dating. After all, I must be the “crazy” one for thinking that it could have gone anywhere. Silly me!
To counteract this internalized invalidation, situationships usually elicit pretending, masquerading as a “chill girl” to continue entertaining the idea that this casual relationship is just that and nothing more. Even when you may wish it was.
While they can be harmless, and even enjoyable at times, situationships truly aren’t for everyone. Feelings get hurt.
Though situationships can begin with a once-upon-a-time-esque connection — believe me —your fairytale ending won’t be with your situationship. Spare your heart this Valentine’s Day and leave your situationship in the past. You and your heart will thank me later!