A few days ago, I was flipping through TV channels at my parents’ house. Commercial after commercial featured smiling families preparing holiday meals together, laughing at the Thanksgiving dinner table, and cheerily unwrapping heartfelt Christmas gifts. The message was clear: maybe if our families were just like the ones on the screen, the holidays would be as perfect as we’d always imagined.
But for many of us, this isn’t the case. Year after year, the holiday gatherings fail to live up to those glorious ones we see in movies, TV shows, and advertisements. Instead, they are awkward, tense, or just plain stressful.
For those who have strained relationships with their families, the holidays can be a difficult time. My family is no exception; due to a number of divorces and other awkward incidents over the years, there is a certain tension in the air at most holiday gatherings. While navigating these events is sometimes hard, I’ve come to terms with my family dynamic over the years and now approach these situations with a sense of gentleness, respect, and patience for myself and those around me.
First of all, due to the complicated nature of my family, it’s always been normal for me to have multiple Christmas gatherings per year, each with different members of my extended family, and each celebrated a little differently. At some of these gatherings, we sit down to a home-cooked meal and try our best to make polite conversation. At others, we order takeout or dine at restaurants to ease the stress of hosting.
Over the years, this has shown me that there isn’t a singular perfect way to enjoy the holidays, and it’s important to remove that expectation. Families come in all shapes, sizes, and orientations, and so the holidays look a little different for everyone. No one way is better than another, and it’s not necessary to strive for some “goal” of what your celebration will look like.
Just like it’s important to have respect and compassion for the way your family celebrates the holidays, it’s important to have respect and compassion for yourself. Like many other families, mine includes difficult members who often bring down the mood with disparaging comments or other rude behaviors that are tough to ignore. They make comments about my appearance, my political beliefs, and other touchy subjects. At times, it even seems that family members make attempts to push someone else’s buttons and pick fights at the dinner table.
When faced with these situations, it’s necessary to set boundaries. I’ve come to use phrases such as “I don’t want to talk about this right now” or “I don’t want to answer that question.” If the situation persists, no one can blame you for ignoring those hurtful comments. While it’s important to be kind to others, it’s just as important to be kind to oneself.
Overall, enjoying a holiday celebration with my family has always been about setting realistic expectations for the event, for others, and for myself. Our families are what they are; we can’t choose them, but we can choose how we handle ourselves as we interact with them.
At times, I still get carried away and compare my experiences with those of other families, even the ones that I’ve seen on TV. It’s important to remember that those phony, scripted gatherings on the screen are exactly that: phony and scripted. Perhaps our Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas lunches will never look like those, but that’s okay. We can forgive ourselves for that, and carry on with the respect and patience needed to survive just a few hours with our families, a few times a year. We got this!