Summer is the harbinger of sunshine, smiles, and of course the perpetual and halfhearted attempt at finding the dreaded summer job.
My summer job as an Executive/Personal Assistant required little searching as I was asked as a favor by a former employer to interview for a position at a glorified “fitness camp” located in the heart of Los Angeles. This summer establishment was run by an unmarried couple whose goals were clear—money first, client success second. I went in for an interview, was hired on the spot, and subsequently started my outrageous occupation the following day.
Out of respect for and fear of my employers I will leave the business and employees’ names entirely anonymous. I would hate to be the fourth party with whom they engage in legal battles this month. No need to reread that statement, you read it correctly the first time. This business is currently being sued by three of its past employees. I learned this my first day on the job, the same time I was given my “work essentials”: an iPhone, Mac Notebook, and iPad—what ever happened to a simple pad of paper and a pen, eh? I guess writing things down requires too much exerted energy and effort nowadays. Then again, these people bank on the principal of laziness, as laziness tends to be the catalyst for becoming overweight. Without laziness my bosses would not have any sort of cliental; and therefore, no influx of money. Money in which was being threatened by the dozens of messages I was getting from lawyers and attorneys who were spewing out the times and locations of their court cases. I had been on the job for approximately 25 minutes and I was already receiving calls, emails, and even texts from each technological mode of communication regarding the multiple legal battles that were ensuing. Bewildered, shocked, and frankly, terrified, I inquired of my employer how to handle the situation; she laughed, “Oh, just ignore that; we get those calls all of the time.” Was that so-called “quelling” answer supposed to alleviate my sudden anxiety about my new job? Like the fact that the business for which I had just agreed to work for the summer receiving multiple calls from multiple lawyers about multiple court cases daily was intended to make me feel at ease? Well, whatever her intent may have been…it proved to be counterproductive.
My employer—we’ll call her The Joker, considering everything she asked me to do evoked from me the response, “Are you ****ing kidding me?”—then called me into her office with a list of that day’s tasks. Number One task on her list: go to her house an hour away in lunchtime traffic to fix her DirecTV. You comprehend my reasoning for her name now, right; was she ****ing kidding me?! With no further instruction and a swift hand motion for me to leave her office, I began looking through old emails, address books, and miscellaneous folders on my desk until I found her home address. An hour and 20 zip codes later, I was at her house. I began searching for the “broken TV” when I encountered two discerning situations: 1) they had seven televisions and 2) walking up the stairs and right towards me was a naked man covered by merely what I can only guess was a hand towel. Surprisingly, I was still more perplexed by the whole seven televisions situation (joking)! Who the heck was this guy; and, seriously, who needs seven televisions?! The answers to these questions were 1) Captain Inappropriate—my boss—the founder and owner of the business in which I was just hired and 2) who knows, maybe every time their DirecTV breaks and they can’t force an assistant to fix it they just buy a new one.
Regardless, it was Day #1 and I could already tell that I was in for an interesting summer. Once I returned to the office, I soon realized the vast array of tasks my job demanded, as my next task was to create the Sales Profit and Loss reports and a new sales pitch for the boss. However, as I was looking through the company website, I found something far more interesting than possible new sales tactics or website fix-ups. My boss, in addition to nearly the entire office staff, featured in the “Testimonials” section of the website. This is part of the website that is supposed to wow any potential client with past client’s “Before” and “After” photographs and statistics. That’s right, my boss and colleagues had all been clients, explaining why this company was so poorly run—did any one have any real experience here? These clients went from waiters at TGIF’s and cashiers at TJ Maxx to accountants, website technicians, and even trainers. It appeared to me then that this was clearly the blind leading the blind. It was not just that my bosses were blind, but they were also immensely hypocritical. They were supposed to embody and portray the image of “healthy eating and living”; however, behind closed doors my bosses were ingesting buckets of KFC, using chewing tobacco, and injecting themselves with endless amounts of hormones and muscle relaxers.
In the weeks of my endless busy-work errands (including delivering pizzas, setting up my boss’s voicemail, driving to their house to unlock the door for the plumber, and ordering presents/writing cards for their friends and family) I got the opportunity to converse with a multitude of my colleagues, one of whom informed me that my bosses forced him and a few of the other employees to endure a new trainer’s workout for feedback—a workout that lasted 2.5 hours in a hot room with no breaks. He ended up fainting, hitting his head on the concrete floor, and knocking himself unconscious. The office called the ambulance who then helped my colleague to regain consciousness. Two days later my colleague was billed $3,000 by my bosses for the ambulance and medical bills even though the incident had occured on company property. Sadly, I soon found out many more stories similar to this one, all having the common theme of ultimately being underpaid, mistreated, and docked pay for ridiculous causes. I suppose when a company doesn’t have HR, its bosses have the twisted authority to steal from their own employees. I will never forget what one of my colleagues said to me my second week in—“Rachel, you know how millionaires become millionaires? By either running a great business or being thugs, our bosses are thugs. Get out before they steal from you too.”
Luckily, my sophomore year of college was just around the corner and it was my last day on the job and my final task was to find my replacement. After reading through over 400 resumes, many of them listing their special skills as “Partial Photographic Memory” and “Can unjam a copier in less than two minutes,” I finally found a respectable candidate who was later interviewed and hired. It has now been a month since I left my summer job and returned to UCSB. Last night I was contacted by my ex-colleague who informed me that the new assistant that had replaced me quit two weeks ago. Due to my bosses’ uncontrollable selfishness, ignorance, and neurosis, the new assistant lasted a mere 10 days at the company. Apparently, her final straw was when The Joker called her at midnight demanding a ride to the airport—it’s called a taxi service, use it. I was also informed that the entirety of the staff has quit and are now ensuing yet more legal battles with my bosses due to being underpaid and harassed.
All in all, it was an incredibly interesting experience, one that helped me to grow and decide what I want to do with my life. And that is I never want to be an assistant again…to anyone…ever.