At 21 years old, the closest I’ve ever come to being in a relationship was when a boy in fifth grade asked me to swing dance with him at one of our field trips. It was rumored that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend while we stood two feet apart from each other on the dance floor, our sweaty hands linked and faces redder than tomatoes. So romantic, right?
(He didn’t end up asking me out, in case you were wondering.)
Since then, I have watched many of my friends, friends of friends, classmates, and roommates navigate various types of relationships; needless to say, I have gained a great deal of insight watching from the sidelines, and I’m going to share some of the most important things I think I have learned.
- COMMUNICATION IS KEY. It may seem like an obvious one, but I’ve seen a bunch of relationships fall apart because assumptions and accusations were being made without knowing all the facts. You don’t need to tell your significant other everything, but if you have a concern, you need to bring it up to them. You deserve to be heard and seen by your partner.
- On that note, KNOW YOUR WORTH. We’ve been raised in a society that tells us to put others’ needs above our own, which can lead to a lot of conflict when examining how we exist within our relationships. Remember that there should never be a point where you should feel like you are giving but not receiving, that you aren’t receiving enough attention, that you are abandoning your needs to fulfill someone else’s. Resentment towards your partner will start to build up and eventually bubble over.
- CREATE SPACE for each other. There is no rule that says you and your partner have to be attached at the hip. One of my really good friends’ relationship fell apart because she felt like she was losing her identity by spending all her time with her partner. You need to have your own life, your own friends, and your own interests that aren’t dependent on your significant other. They should be a complement in your life, not a complication.
- You have to LOVE YOURSELF before you can love anyone else. This advice comes from my mom, but I’m sure we’ve all heard some version of it before. This is the stage I’m currently in, and probably one of the biggest reasons why I’ve never been in a relationship. Intuitively, it makes perfect sense, but I’ve watched this cause a lot of relationships to crumble. Being comfortable in your own skin allows you to know what you want in life and, subsequently, in a partner.
Part of me feels like a fraud for giving this advice when I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to use it. But I feel like looking at different relationships from the outside has allowed me to have a more impartial view of what seems to work and what doesn’t. Take what you will from these little insights, but please remember that you are ALWAYS enough and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.