Last week, I saw my friend’s Instagram story saying, “I’ve been too busy lately. I’m too chaotic to write a diary. I’m not in the mood of writing. But I do appreciate.”
I left her a like and didn’t take it seriously.
Later on that day, when I was on my way to the library, I suddenly realized something. I got my phone out and texted my friend: “I’ve decided not to write a diary.”
Writing diaries seems to be a good habit; we often hear people saying that we need to be grateful to things happen in our lives and people live around us. One way to practice gratitude is to write down the things you appreciate, such as by keeping a diary.
Some people may think that they lack the time and mood to write and opt out of writing diaries; some are concerned about their writing abilities and are afraid of being inarticulate.
At least for me, keeping a diary is not the ideal way to be grateful. My diary never accurately records what is actually happening in my life. Instead I tend to jot down my sentimental feelings and unspeakable secrets, most of which are dark and cynical. It might be more accurate to call it the Headquarters of Daydreaming instead of a diary.
My diary is not a place of continuous gratitude. In fact, the last diary I started is stuck on the first few days of September. Here are some reasons I have for not continuing to write:
- I’ve been building up some solid connections with friends who are mountains and rivers away from me.
- I’ve been working on heaps of assignments and midterms.
- I hung around Downtown Santa Barbara by myself for the weekend.
- I enjoyed a party with my friends on Saturday night.
- I read books, listened to music, reviewed my favorite K-drama…
Now it seems to me that writing a diary is nothing but a way to kill time when I am bored.
Even though I haven’t written in my diary at all in the past month, the frequency of my self-reflection did not decrease. Rather, I have had more time to focus on the events happening in my life as they happen. I started to try to spend my time doing things that I once thought were mundane or boring. Who says reading in fragments doesn’t count as reading? When I’m tired of studying, I may just brush up on mindless jitterbug videos, check out horoscope analyses and MBTI memes. Life continues.
This makes me feel better. In the past I was so hard on myself, trying to be deep to prove to no one in particular that I’ve already grown up and I’m always grateful. I would sometimes spend too much effort considering how to verbalize what I have experienced in my diary or on curating my experiences into Instagram posts.
Do we have to do these things? Do these presentations indicate our true gratitude? I don’t know for sure, but I would probably say no.
When I decided not to write a diary, my heart was fully devoted to what was happening in my life. I became more aware of what I needed to do and what I needed to give up to get what I wanted. I am also starting to think that learning is fun (though school itself can be very, very boring and often quite annoying). I have started to think hard about what I really want to learn, and what I might want to do in the future. And most importantly, I am finally starting to come to terms with the fact that I’ve really become an adult.
I suffered in the process of giving up writing diaries, a habit I have been keeping since I was a kid. But I do appreciate my experiences, which have helped me see the value in being fully immersed in every moment. Maybe there are still struggles and dramas, but the simple happiness is pretty nice.