“But I’m a nice guy!”
Of all the things men say to get into a women’s pants, this may be one of the most problematic. The issue is simple: being a decent human being does not entitle you to anything from anyone. In fact, people should be nice to others for the sake of being kind and shouldn’t expect anything from it.
However, the world we live in is not so easily explained. Countless women are expected to return common decencies with dates, sex, and other acts which are completely unfair and unwarranted for. If women stand up for themselves, they are met with aggressive harassment, name-calling, and shaming.
Take for example, Briana. Briana met her ‘Nice Guy’ in lecture and thought nothing of it:
“I had never talked to him before. At first, I thought he was just friendly and striking up a conversation. He seemed pretty normal at first when he was talking about how much he hated the class- it seemed like basic small talk. He revealed that he got the lowest grade on the midterm in the class and asked for my number so we could study together. At the point, it seemed like a platonic request so I gave him my number.”
It’s extremely common for Nice Guys to seem perfectly normal at first as they are still under the impression that they still have a shot at going out with their target. They use the “Nice Guy” persona to establish trust and make it seem like they aren’t like ‘other guys’ when in reality they’re even worse. When their attempts at pursuing a romantic relationship are rejected, Nice Guys refuse to give up and can even get more hostile.
“ The more I ignored him, the more sexual his rhetoric got. He kept asking me if I was “down or not.” He also asked me pointed questions about things I have never mentioned to him before such as me being vegetarian, where I live, and my long-distance boyfriend.”
When involved with a Nice Guy, many women begin to feel their privacy and autonomy intruded on. But when women try and call out Nice Guys on their actions, they are often met with Nice Guys playing the victim.
“ When he followed up via text, I told him that I was already seeing someone so he would stop texting me. That was when he attempted to deflect the blame on me for not telling him sooner by saying “If you were willing to tell me now, you could have saved me two weeks of hope.” This is when I had enough of his entitled mentality. I decided to stand my ground and tell him to stop harassing me in class. That’s when he called me easy, a cunt, etc…When he said “It’s not my fault you came off as easy,” my initial reaction was shock. It’s just really pathetic when guys default to slut-shaming especially when he’s the one begging me to have sex with him!”
Clearly, Nice Guys are not so nice after all as they use their persona to control women and hide behind the trope of perseverance to continually harass women. So, what’s a girl to do?
Speak out. In Briana’s case, she embraced Free and For Sale as her platform to bring about awareness and share her story. Not only was Briana able to be heard, but she was welcomed by a supportive community looking out for her, even going as far as creating memes to show their solidarity.
“On a more positive note, this experience has also helped me realize the importance of speaking out for other women. If I had not gone public about my experience, the seven other women would have believed their situation was isolated and would not have had a platform to speak out about their own experiences. I’ve also received messages from incoming freshman saying that my speaking out inspired them to stand up for themselves more which was very heartwarming.”
And what advice does Briana have for other women in a similar situation?
“Hold your ground and don’t take bullshit from anyone. If you feel that he is endangering your safety, file a Title IX complaint to the university so he can be taken out of your class or go to the police to file a restraining order. It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Women, stand together and open up the conversation on Nice Guys who are looking to control females. Men, call each other out on your actions and hold one another accountable. Because when it comes to basic human respect and decency, we can all do better.
Special thanks and appreciation to Briana Bui for her time, bravery, and story.