A Day in the Life of a Pea

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while and I’m kind of sorry about that. But anyway, today I get to finally tell you something new for a change. This change is the reason for my being MIA as I have previously apologized for. SO, as you know, I usually hang out 24/7 in the chiller, as a pea does (I have previously lodged my complaints regarding the lack of privacy, but I digress.). And today while they were doing their normal pick of the crop, they happened to only grab me. ME! 

Now I was like, this is going to be a bad stew, you know, who only uses one pea in their stew? I have never in my short time on this Earth wanted to be put in stew. As I’ve always told you, I just wanted to live my life without being impeded by humans. But, today I was impeded. So, after they grabbed me, I noticed that we (the staff and I) were leaving the kitchen. Suspicious. Anyway, as we were walking through the castle, I couldn’t help but think that maybe the prince has decided to start a small fast and only eat me, a single uncooked pea, which is concerning for his health. 

Instead, the staff and I enter this cavernous room that’s filled with mattresses. As I’m trying to look around, I see the prince talking to the head butler and he says, “Have the staff place their pea under the 1st mattress. By doing this, whomever can feel the pea through the mattresses will be who I pick to be my wife.” 

Which, when you think about it, is actually bonkers.

If you think about it that’s, pardon my French, fucking ridiculous. Like, I genuinely think that those who would be able to feel a pea through a mattress, nevertheless 20, would be on another level of high maintenance. So, point of view, you’re hearing that your place is beneath 20 mattresses to determine who is the highest maintenance princess and you are shocked, shocked to your core (though you’re a pea so you don’t have one) 😲. 

Now at this point I’m judging the prince hard, like I guess if high maintenance is your type, okay. But really, I think that the reason he wants a princess who might be extra fragile is to reaffirm his fragile masculinity. On top of all of this, my question is: can the prince feel peas through mattresses? Also, who comes up with this stuff? Ok anyway while I was questioning the royalty of this kingdom, I was stuffed under all the mattresses. And then began the waiting game.

Later, same day

I’m going to be honest with you, being under the mattress wasn’t too bad. In fact, I would rather be here stuffed in a mattress than eaten. In truth, being under the mattresses brought me back to being in the pod. From what I remember, all my siblings and I used to cuddle all the time. It was cozy, you know. Being in close quarters like that. Always wrapped up, always together.  And while I complain about that now, this feeling of being under the mattress and being back in the pod reminded me that being together with someone all the time has the ability to be nice. To be comforting, to be a reminder that you aren’t ever lonely. 

Outside of the pod I feel so lonely all the time despite being with my fellow peas. I guess it’s different, especially since all my pod-mates are gone. Lost to the vast amount of us or maybe eaten or maybe crushed. Maybe they are as lonely as I am. I wonder if they also miss me like I miss them. 

Oh, diary, how I miss them so. I didn’t even realize how much I miss and need them, this existence is pitiful without them, without my family. Diary, how do I deal with this feeling? How do I get over missing them now that I remember I did in the first place? Maybe my neighbor had a point with longing to be eaten, but I will wait. Maybe I’ll see them again, before it’s my time. I can only hope.

Well enough of that, if you couldn’t tell from that aside I had a lot of time to think. So, after experiencing a little nostalgia mixed with existential dread, they brought the princesses in. To me one princess really stood out, when they looked at her hands she was said to have very callused hands. Which makes me think she’s the opposite of fragile and high maintenance, I would have assumed that she would have better things to do. But NO, she actually wanted to compete and like mad respect to her but there is absolutely no way she could win. 

No way at all. 

This competition was lost for her the second she stepped in the room. As I laid there just a simple pea under a large stack of mattresses, it became clear that maybe the prince did this because he hopes to not get married. Back to the princess I was talking about it seemed that she was trying to do this for some righteous feminist reason and like good for her but at the same time, this is a waste of her time. 

After they went through the trouble of introducing all the princesses to the lonely prince, they had a grand meal and gifted all the princesses the finest of PJs and sent them to bed. Not me though, I had to stay awake all night listening to some of these girls snore louder than a satisfied tabby cat after being fed the leftover fish and unlike that situation it was not pleasant. I am completely sure that that morning I looked a little more wilted than usual. So once everyone got up the staff began checking the backs of all the princesses for a mark???? I don’t even know and you’ll believe the wildest thing. One princess somehow managed to have an actual bruise on her back like have you ever seen such a thing. I  know I sure haven’t. So now there’s going to be a big giant wedding so congrats to the happy couple. 

Now that this whole ordeal is over I think I’m going to be allowed to live my life without having to be eaten so out of this entire event I think I am the true winner.

Your Dearest Friend,

The Pea