For many of you, this topic may be a little bit of a “hush hush” or taboo one. But for me, it’s an opportunity to work towards de-stigmatising and empowering plus-sized sex. By now, we should all be well-aware that fatphobia is ingrained in the day-to-day living and experiences of so many people. Despite how much the world has progressed to accepting fatness and making space for it, sex remains a very unwelcome association when it comes to people of bigger sizes. This is not only seen in the actions of people’s attractions (or lack thereof) towards fat people but is also emphasized in the lingerie industry where very few brands make sexy lingerie for plus-sized people.
I hate to break it to you, but fat people have sex too. Fat people also want to look and feel sexy. We’ve all heard the saying along the lines of “wearing a matching (and sexy) pair of underwear makes women feel more confident and empowered”, so why shouldn’t this extend to fat people?
Not only is plus-size lingerie hard to come by, but so is conversation about plus-size sex. Sex regarding women in general is still a pretty iffy topic, but we’re taking the steps to breaking that. So, why not do it for the plus-sized community as well? It’s hard to feel empowered, confident, and comfortable with sex when you’re virtually going in blind, or without being able to talk about it to someone who completely understands. So, in honour of empowering plus-sized people (mostly femme bodies, I do apologise for exclusions) in their sexual endeavours, I’ve complied lists with some recommendations and advice that not every plus-size person would hear from friends. The first focuses on positions (for penetrative sex) that may work a little more effectively for plus-size femme bodies. This is not to say that other positions don’t work: these just come largely recommended by plus-size communities as positions that may make sex a little more comfortable and pleasurable. The second has some tips and tricks to feeling more comfortable and confident in your body, which of course applies to every body size and shape.
So, let me help you out a little:
Plus-Size Friendly Sex Positions (for femme bodies, regarding penetrative sex)
- Doggy-Style: As degrading as many of you may think this position sounds, it comes widely recommended by plus-size people. First off, for those insecure about their bellies or who find that their bellies get in the way during sex, this position removes the belly from the scenario. Second, although having a large rear may make this position slightly harder, the angle of it takes away most of the challenge of a larger sized ass. This position also allows for you (or your partner) to have easy access to the clit, which will help with that extra bit of stimulation. One common con to this position is that it may be a little hard for you to support yourself, or may hurt your knees, so be sure to use pillows where necessary!
- The Superwoman: A sex position that sounds as empowering as it feels to be comfortable whilst having sex. This position entails lying down, generally with a pillow underneath their hips, and having penetration occur from behind. This position, again, removes insecurities about your stomach, as well as from getting in the way of sex. Naturally, you may need a little help from your partner for keeping your thighs spread, but this is easily achieved.
- Riding: I’m sure many plus-size people can relate to the absolute fear and apprehension that comes with riding your partner (especially if they’re smaller than you). You may be worried about your stamina, hurting your partner, or both. But here’s a little tip. Have your partner sit on a sturdy and armless chair. This allows you to use your legs to create movement rather than relying solely on your thighs. Having your partner sit up also means that you’re able to use their shoulders for support, which should make it a little easier. Using your legs should let you have a little more faith in your stamina. It also gives you all the control (unless that’s not something you like), which should ease your fear of crushing your partner.
- Missionary, with a little edit: I’m sure many of you are sighing at how boring this position is, but don’t underestimate it. For most plus-sized people with femme bodies, the fear with this position comes with the fact that it feels as if their entire body is on display, and that their stomach will get in the way. If you’re a missionary fan, here’s your trick: Place a pillow (or two) under your hips during sex. This allows for your stomach to get out the way, and makes it more likely that penetration will hit your G-Spot. Further, this position also allows for a larger bum to be less of a problem.
- The Butterfly: I promise, this position is not as complex as it sounds. In this position, the person being penetrated will be lying on their back at the edge of the bed, with their legs either in the air, against their partner’s chest, or over their partner’s shoulders. The partner will be stood at the edge of the bed. This position works well because it allows for deeper penetration, whilst ensuring that the stomach doesn’t get in the way. The only tricky element to this position is the potential height difference caused by the height of the bed and your partner. However, you can always use pillows to help sort this out.
This is not a complete list of every plus-size friendly position, but it’s a good start. You could add a few spooning-esque positions in there as well, as these tend to make sure the tummy doesn’t get in the way. A lovely little tip is that virtually every positions is a plus-size friendly one when you add a couple of pillows, or just switch it up that little bit. Some of these positions may seem a little daunting or may be a tad bit out of your comfort zone – or maybe even the mere thought of being naked and intimate with someone is terrifying. To help with this, here are a couple of tips and tricks to get comfortable with your body and with intimacy:
Your daily dose of confidence tips and tricks:
• Sleep naked:
This may seem like strange advice, but it helps you get used to your naked body, which will help you get comfortable with your naked body. Comfort is such an important aspect to having pleasurable sex, and the only way you’re going to be comfortable with someone else seeing your body is if you are comfortable with it. (You can take baby steps and slowly start losing items of clothing over time.)
• Admire yourself in the mirror:
Again, might seem a bit silly, but it works! Take some time either before or after your shower to stand in front of your mirror and acknowledge your body. I’m not saying you have to say, “I have such a beautiful body”, I’m just saying you have to recognise that that is your body, and that is how it looks. The longer you do this for, the less negative you’ll be towards your body, which will allow for less insecurity regarding it.
• Invest in a sex toy (or two)
This is especially important advice for if you’re trying to get comfortable with sex as a whole. Having a sex toy (and actually making use of it), will help you learn what you do and don’t like during sex. It’ll help you learn about your own body and your pleasure, which will ultimately empower you during the act.
• Invest in lingerie
As expensive as it may be, and as hard as it may be to come by for some sizes, owning some lingerie will give you that extra confidence boost you need. Find lingerie that you feel good wearing and that you think you look good in. Remember, it’s not about other people: it’s about you, your body, and your empowerment.
Sex and intimacy can be a hard thing to be comfortable with and open to, regardless of your size. However, as a plus-size person, these positions and tricks may just take you that extra step closer to a comfortable and pleasurable time. It’s time to end the taboo-ness of plus-size sex. Instead, it’s time for you to own your sexual desires and feel empowered whilst doing so.