Navigating Relationships when you have an anxious attachment style

Attachment styles are formed in your early childhood years. They influence how you act, communicate, and feel in all kinds of relationships throughout your life. This is not limited to your romantic relationships, as it impacts your internal security with most human connection. For those who experience anxious attachment, there are usually underlying self-esteem and self-worth issues. These are accompanied by a deep desire to connect with others, but also an unbearable fear of rejection and/or abandonment. There is an overbearing belief that the other person is going to perceive you negatively and ultimately leave. This reinforces the feelings of anxiety that keep you so on-edge. It is not an easy attachment style to deal with, which is why it is important to learn about how it expresses itself as well as how to avoid getting caught up in its vicious cycle.

First of all, us anxiously attached individuals love creating a false sense of digital intimacy, which in the long run, ends up creating more anxiety and fixation upon a situation out of our control. While texting someone during a relationship is a normal part of healthy communication, reaching a point where your emotional stability depends on a reply, however, relays a bigger issue at play. Constantly checking for replies, looking to see if someone is online and being in a state of constant anxiety about how someone feels about you could be an indication of an anxious attachment style. 

A false sense of digital intimacy: 

Individuals with an anxious attachment style usually have a need for external validation, looking for worth in other people’s opinions. This, coupled with the online world of today, usually culminates in a need for constant digital communication and reassurance from others. If this sounds like you, then you’ve probably experienced the emotional rollercoaster of texting someone new; the rush when they reply, the anxiety when they don’t and the constant confusion of whether or not they are truly interested. 

Yes, it may feel great to be communicating with someone throughout the day, and to feel important and special to somebody. However, this is not a real way to get to know a person, nor for them to get to know and appreciate you. The hard truth is that you are creating a false sense of digital intimacy. There’s no context involved, so when someone isn’t replying at the rate you’d like, you automatically believe they’re not interested when they could simply be busy. Even so, establishing a relationship based mainly on digital communication is not going to give you the security you need. Basing your emotional security on whether or not someone is replying to you is a one-way road to anxiety central. 

What’s more, is that constantly texting someone creates a version of them inside your head that doesn’t actually exist. You are causing yourself to become more and more attached to someone you don’t truly know all that well, and the emotional, anxiety-provoking cycle continues. 

All in all, digital communication is not there to give you the fulfilment that a proper relationship will. If you want to have a loving and happy relationship that makes you feel good, the person who is texting you at 2am asking “you up?” is not the person who is going 

to provide the security you need. You’re setting yourself up for another vicious cycle of fixation and anxiety about a person you’ve idolised. Consider whether the person you’re currently interested in is actually someone good for you, someone who shares your values, interests, and goals, or is if it is just the validation of being wanted causing a stir in your emotions? It is good to set boundaries within yourself and who you let into your life. 

You don’t need another person to validate you as a human being. You are allowed to be by yourself at the end of the day, and to sit with your own feelings. Yes, it is easier to have someone texting you and giving you false reassurance that you’re a worthy person, but in the long run, you’re simply avoiding your own feelings surrounding your self-worth, and designating all of it upon another person’s perception of you. Take this as a sign to start working on your inner child and your core belief systems that are telling you that you need somebody else. You’re actually great on your own, and when you start living for you, and not for what others think of you, that is when you truly unlock security and peace within yourself. 

Check out @sabrina.zohar on TikTok for more advice on attachment styles and relationships!

• anxious attachment style
• Attachment Style
• relationships
• young adults