Whether it’s a close family member, a long-term friendship, or a serious romantic relationship, getting to know someone on a deeply personal level often comes with challenges. We all have differing ideas and expectations when it comes to our relationships and these are personal feelings that can change over time. This makes navigating our own limitations and needs along with someone else’s a difficult but necessary part of our social and private lives. While I am by no means an expert in this, I have – like most of us, I’m sure – encountered people who have disregarded my boundaries as well as those who have exemplified respect and openness in a relationship. As a person who sometimes still struggles to say an unapologetic “no” and to express my boundaries, I believe this is an important topic to think about and re-evaluate regularly.
Our boundaries are informed from a variety of sources, such as our values and beliefs, our past experiences and the relationships we are exposed to. Examples of boundaries could range from how much time alone and space you each need, to religious or personal guidelines for your lifestyle or how much emotional support you are willing to give a troubled friend or even how chores are split amongst roommates. Letting someone know your boundaries is neither selfish nor a means to control the other person: it is an opportunity to understand one another on a deeper level and should help both people to understand the other’s feelings and actions.
Image by Jen Palmer on Unsplash
A more in-depth example of a boundary in a romantic relationship might be how much access you and your partner have to one another’s social media accounts or phones. Some people have open-phone policies in their relationships – meaning that either partner can go through the other’s phone and messages at any time, without asking – because both parties want that level of access. They might feel that this shows honesty and trustworthiness.
This is not something I would personally be comfortable with. I consider the conversations I have via social media to be just as private as face-to-face ones and I wouldn’t want anyone randomly eavesdropping on my every conversation! I also want my partner to trust me enough not to feel that they have to “check-up” on my phone activity and vice versa. To me, doing so without my permission would feel like a violation of my privacy, as well as a breach of my trust in them.
If my partner felt very differently about this matter, it could definitely have been a challenge for us to navigate. No one is wrong in this situation – we might simply feel differently about how to handle this aspect of our relationship. However, having the discussion early on would be much easier and more respectful than avoiding it and potentially arguing about it at a later stage.
Image by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
Expressing our boundaries through open and non-accusative communication is, I believe, the only way to have both parties understand and respect one another’s actions. It can be helpful for your partner if you explain your feelings and reasoning on the subject, if you are at a stage where you are comfortable enough to do so.
From my own experience, I feel that if my friend or partner seems to be immediately defensive, argumentative or unwilling to hear me out on what makes me uncomfortable and why, it is a major red flag for that relationship. We should feel able to express ourselves without fear of judgement and not made to feel crazy in a disagreement. I believe that if we cannot agree on our boundaries and communicate them on an ongoing basis, it is a sign that the partnership isn’t going to work.
Ultimately, it is up to each individual to know themselves and their needs and to decide if they are able to navigate reasonable boundaries with grace, respect, and love.