Oh, the holidays. A time when you’re reunited with all of your beloved friends and family to catch up on college life and hear about months of missed gossip. This usually leads, however, to a very predictable and tired list of conversation starters that get old very fast. Here are some of the most annoying ones:
1. “Wow, you’ve really gained/lost weight!”
Said by: Complete random family friend at a holiday party who you are in no way comfortable holding a full conversation with and have probably been trying to avoid the entire time.
What you want to say: “Can we not comment on the physical appearance of my body, please? After the hell that is finals week that weight gain or loss wasn’t intentional nor was it pleasant, and I’m already aware of it.”
What you’ll actually say: “Yeah, that dining hall food, am I right?”
2. How were your grades this semester?
Said by: Parents trying to gauge how focused you are in school or judgmental relatives trying to mentally rank you against their own children.
What you want to say: “Everything is falling apart, and I am crying on the inside.”
What you’ll actually say: “They were okay,” and then rapidly change the subject.
3. What’s your major?
Said by: Anyone. Everyone.
What you want to say: “I’m double majoring in philosophy and women’s studies with a minor in dance, and I absolutely love my classes and professors and I am super passionate about what I’m learning – not that you care.”
What you’ll actually say: “Oh, um, I’m pre-law,” or some other respectable, non-objectionable career path.
4. What are your plans for the summer?
Said by: Parents or friends trying to gauge how “on top of it” you are with you life.
What you want to say: “Jeez, let me get through the next semester before I start getting stressed about summer… Is nothing I do enough for you people?!”
What you’ll actually say: “I have a couple internships and jobs I’m considering applying for… we’ll see how it goes,” with a tolerant smile.
5. *Unsolicited career advice peppered with wildly inaccurate predictions of the trajectory of your chosen field*
Said by: Some random uncle or extended family member pretending to play the role of your sage advisor when they are actually trying to show off how much they know about “the current job market.”
What you want to say: “Okay, but I’m the one actually studying this field, and you are wrong on so many different levels that I don’t even know where to begin in correcting you.”
What you’ll actually say: Nothing. You’ll probably listen patiently for a little while, try to interject at some point, get shot down and then escape the unfortunate situation.
6. Do you still want to be a doctor?
Said by: The innumerable relatives you gushed about wanting to be a doctor to in your naïve high school years.
What you’ll want to say: “Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on my mood, my grades, how much sleep I’ve gotten and earth’s alignment with the stars.”
What you’ll actually say: “Yes, for sure! That’s the only constant in my life,” with an angelic smile.
7. Any crazy party stories?
Said by: A middle-aged aunt probably trying to seem “cool” and “hip” and “with the times” but actually looking for some hardcore gossip to share with the rest of the family.
What you’ll want to say: “If I had any, I wouldn’t share them with you,” with a roll of your eyes.
What you’ll actually say: “If I had any, I wouldn’t share them with you,” with a hearty laugh.
8. Did you hear that *someone around your age* is doing *something successful that makes you feel inadequate as a human being*?
Said by: Well-intentioned parents wishing you would get off your butt and do something amazing too or passive-aggressive relatives trying to humble-brag about their kids.
What you’ll want to say: Paranoid rant that’ll sound something like, “What are you trying to imply? That I can’t compete – that I’m not destined for success? I’ll show you… I’ll show you all!” probably followed by an eye twitch.
What you’ll actually say: “Oh wow, that’s great! Congratulations!”
9. Do people at school drink or do drugs?
Said by: Usually a wide-eyed, much younger sibling or cousin who is simultaneously in awe of, and frightened by, your scandalous, rock star college lifestyle.
What you want to say: “I’ve seen things, kid.”
What you’ll actually say: “What?! No, never!”
Despite it all, we love our friends and family and have missed them during the months we’ve been away. A few minutes of awkwardness are totally worth catching up with everyone and rekindling old friendships. Enjoy being with your family and loved ones, and have a great winter break!