Hi guys, I have been procrastinating this article like crazy, but I’m sure with even one glance at the title (and what its capitalized words spell out) you would expect that… wouldn’t you? I’m going to be so honest when I say, when I was reminded what I (yup, I did this to myself) pitched to write about for this week I audibly sighed. Maybe it is that writing is an escape from my problems, so writing about them kinda goes against the purpose. Or maybe it is that opening up can be really, really hard. Regardless I chose this topic, what feels like a millennia ago, for a reason and I guess I felt I had something important to say. So here I am on my balcony, in a hammock, bundled up in a divine cream blanket, enjoying the chilly breeze, ready to do the thing.
 I have thought about the various ways to approach this but could not truly decide, so I’m gonna sample each… let’s call this a charcuterie article, a little of everything.
First, let’s get my personal anecdote out of the way. Point blank and period I have been in a fencing match (sounds cooler than “struggling”) with mental illness for as long as I can remember. Beginning of seventh grade, however, hit me like a train. Out of nowhere I started to feel intense anxiety: I could barely eat, was sleep deprived and just downright scared. This started my journey with therapy and when I tell you that it takes years and I mean YEARS, I am still very much a work in progress, and am coming to accept that I might be one forever.Â
So where does attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) come into this? Well, I think it has been there from day one. I distinctly remember getting in trouble for my lack of patience in my early elementary days. I remember while in fifth grade, when I would go to my friend’s house after school, she would have this intense focus – that I could never master – and have her work done in an hour and had a free afternoon. This used to make my mom so upset when I would come home and still have so much work to do. This pattern has continued in seventh grade speech and debate. I didn’t work on my speech in class (our only assignment mind you) for months and got in front of the class with NOTHING. Eighth grade study hall was just me staring at the screen and picking my scalp. During ninth grade, I stayed up till 2 am studying for exams because I left it all to the last minute, or I cried to my mom because I felt so stupid for missing an assignment.Â
I’m not going to list anymore examples, but as I got older, my friends would hint to me having a little (not so little at all) thing called ADHD. I have found out that it affects your every way of functioning, fun! I, however, ignored this because “I had too many letters already” like for example obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I also didn’t need to: I was doing well in school (my counselor once said that straight to my face). In reality, I was just running in circles exhausting myself to perform in a normal way. I was not okay, but my grades were, so I ignored it. Then college happens, yeah, slap in the face! I could no longer ignore the obvious dysfunction in my way of operating and thinking. So I fought for a diagnosis and am scheduled for official testing. Regardless of my story, I know I am not stupid, in fact my brain is so excited that it just wants to do everything all the time. And to be honest, we do NOT live in a natural world. We live in a world designed for malleable non-stop machines. Frankly I am NOT that, and it sucks feeling like I am what is wrong in the world, but I have to believe it’s not me, it’s our society. The constant stimulation, pressure and expectations – it’s not natural! I think I am designed to frolic, mix medicinal herbs and watch the clouds.Â
In the meantime however, I am going to mold myself into what allows me to succeed in school and, I guess, deal with life as it comes. I’m going to keep telling myself that I am awesome, fun and a good, productive person. I got this! You do too! If you’re a student at the University of Florida (UF) and want to get tested, reach out to the UF Counseling and Wellness Center (CWC).Â
I think I kind of ranted, but I said my truth. My heart and love goes out to everyone who knows what it can feel to be different.