My passion for literature as an English major logically led me to study abroad in England, where all the long-dead poets and authors I so love lived and wrote their greatest works.
I imagined myself immersed in the world of novels and poetry I had come to cherish. My only knowledge of England had come from a host of dead poets and binge-watching sessions of British TV shows. While my time here has been immeasurably awesome, some of the odd cultural differences between America and England have often led me to begin laughing hysterically in the middle of the grocery store, or just having an awkward interaction with a cashier or waiter. England, I have some questions for you…
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1. What the heck is salad cream?
This is honestly the most puzzling thing about England. Do you actually take this strange off-yellow mush and put it on salad? This stuff is one ingredient away from being mayonnaise and I don’t support it. Come on, England, let’s work on making the balsamic vinaigrette taste less like oily water.
2. Why must you sully toast with beans?
You eat this? With breakfast? Toast — okay, fine. But baked beans? On toast? That’s a questionable choice any time of the day, but for breakfast it’s just outright wrong.
3. Why does everyone say “you all right?”
I’ve come to understand that this is the English equivalent of “Hi, how are you,” but I’m still struggling to understand the proper echoed response. This has led to many a strange mumbling encounter. Also, everyone says “cheers” instead of “thank you,” and I feel like that should only apply when you’re handing me a drink.
4. Why is all your deodorant aerosol?
This is a really random thing I’ve noticed — there are maybe one or two stick deodorants to rows of 15-20 aerosol spray cans. Does England know something we don’t about personal hygiene?
5. This whole driving on the left thing… really?
I get that America does a lot of things backwards — like the metric system, for example — but you’re the odd one out here, England. Literally no one besides you and Australia does this. Please explain.
6. Who decided these outlets were a good idea?
Again, at least the E.U. has all the same electricity adapters, but the U.K. has strange three-pronged ones where one of the prongs is just plastic and doesn’t do anything. This baffles me.
7. No tipping?
This I could actually get behind. Your servers are paid well enough that they don’t need tips to survive. Good on you, England (that’s a British phrase I picked up!). Also, including tax in the sticker price makes me immensely happy. Keep doing that, England.
8. Why does my credit card confuse you?
American credit card companies recently started switching our card to have the small security chip, but it seems like England has always had this. At least it seems that way when literally everyone says that my swipe credit card is the first they’ve ever seen.
9. Does every bar serve five kinds of cider?
Another A+ move, England. I’m a big cider drinker, as beer isn’t my first (or last) choice of beverage, so I was pleased to find that cider is given the respect it deserves in the U.K. In America, I often have a hard time finding draught cider (or just more than one choice) wherever I go, and my friends often mock the integrity of cider. But in England, choices abound! I even managed to find two-liter bottles of cider!
10. What’s with the lack of closets?
Wardrobes just seem like a waste of space. Now everyone has to have another giant piece of furniture. This would make so much more sense just built into the wall. Also, wardrobes are dusty and I don’t like dusty clothes.
11. Why is the university system impossible to understand?
Why are classes called modules? Why does everyone have to write a thesis? Why do your degrees only take three years? What do you mean no one takes general education requirements? Huh?
12. Does no one listen to British music?
All I hear is Rihanna. Apparently the British love her. I’ve asked British people why everyone listens to American music and to name their favorite British artists. Most people say there aren’t a lot of good British artists, which I find hard to believe. England was very excited when Adele made her comeback.
13. What side of the sidewalk am I supposed to use?
Usually people walk on the side of the sidewalk that they would drive on. Since that’s backwards, no one seems to pick a side, and I’m always bumping into people. Let’s get it together.
14. What’s the temperature?
I’m sorry, but celsius makes no sense. Celsius is the temperature relative to water. I’m not water. Fahrenheit is the temperature relative to people. I’m a person.
15. Why do you have to say “toilet” so much?
People say “toilet” instead of bathroom or restroom hdfd, which I guess makes more sense. When I say “bathroom,” we all know I’m not going to take a bath or a rest. Toilet just sounds a little gross.
16. Why does everyone try to hit me in the crosswalk?
Okay, okay, I understand that I’m jaywalking, but I see you speeding up when I enter the crosswalk and that’s just rude.
17. Biscuits, flapjacks, chips, crisps?
Why does so much of the slang terminological differences have to do with food? Chips for fries and crisps for chips I can understand. I eat a lot of potatoes, and I will adapt in order to be presented with my desired type of potato. But how can we ever get along when you insist on calling granola bars “flapjacks”? That’s a pancake. A biscuit is a savory dinner roll, not a cookie.
18. Car park vs. parking lot?
This just seems trivial. I feel like we could’ve agreed on one term for this one, and I have a feeling America was the stubborn one. So, I’m sorry.
19. Are we both speaking English?
Between the heavy amount of slang and the occasional thick accents, I’m often not sure if we’re speaking the same language. If you see me smiling and nodding blankly, I have absolutely no idea what you just said.
20. How dare you actually have seasons?
This final question is less of a question and more of an envious statement. It’s Florida-specific, and I’m angry. It’s beautiful here — absurdly so. The leaves fall and change to beautiful autumn colors. The weather is breezy and cool and temperate. I can wear cute fall clothes. How. Dare. You.
As much as I joke about the differences between America and England, I feel ridiculously privileged to be able to spend my last semester in this wonderful country, experiencing the culture and noticing the interesting little things that make us different and unique to one another. Learning and sharing cultural differences and similarities with friends from all over the world has been immensely rewarding and profoundly interesting, as I continue to understand the immense diversity of our little world.
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