Guys are fascinating creatures. You see them from a distance walking across campus in their herds and laughing together. These creatures do their best to appear tough and indestructible, but they are actually fascinatingly delicate and vary vastly from species to species. I’ve broken it down so you can identify them for what they are.
1. THE DUDEBRO
Description: Ah, the dudebro. Perhaps the most abundant — and surely the most iconic — of UF’s male population, the dudebro gets his name from his repeated utterance of “Dude… Bro.” Most likely a member of a fraternity, the “Dudebro” is also known for an immature sense of humor and a staunch “no homo” policy. Many have risked death rather than touch the male in front of them on a scooter.
Habitat: found commonly in the on-campus gyms and on Fraternity Row, though they frequent Chipotle for feeding and hit up the clubs during mating season (a.k.a. every night).
Distinguishing features: lots of tank tops with Greek letters or Nike slogans; may carry a drawstring bag with an energy drink logo.
Pros: those arms.
Cons: “Dude… bro…” in every other sentence.
If you’re interested: Ask him about his workout regime or compliment his rockin’ bod. He’ll be totally up for giving you his workout secrets.
2. THE ENGINEER
Description: This species has evolved greatly in the past few years. Once known for being totally nerdy, the Engineer (capital E for importance) now has more in common with the “dudebro” than the typical geek. Confident and sure of his direction — he can tell you specifically what field of engineering he wants to go into and exactly how hard his classes will be — the Engineer exudes a certain sort of swagger that one does not find with the dudebro.
Habitat: found in the front of math and science classes, most likely with his laptop doing something that’s not related to the class; will often gather in herds in study rooms at Library West.
Distinguishing features: science and geek culture-related shirts that they just want you to ask about; big backpacks.
Pros: He’s definitely smart.
Cons: You’re going to have to hear about how he’s an engineer 24/7.
If you’re interested: Ask him for help in Calculus, or if you’re not about that, complain about WebAssign — he’ll love the chance to talk about his method of solving double integrals.
3. THE INSUFFERABLE HIPSTER
Description: There is a small, but certainly thriving, population of insufferable hipsters at UF. The insufferable hipster always has something to say, whether it’s about his libertarian beliefs, his interest in Swedish death-metal indie-folk hybrid bands or his fondness for post-modern poetry.
Habitat: small literature or history classes, usually toward the side or middle of the room; in a corner of the Hub or the Reitz Union reading a novel or listening to music with a notebook; off campus, they’ll frequent little independent coffee shops such as Volta or Pascal’s.
Distinguishing features: absolutely gorgeous messy hair (that actually took an hour to perfect); will have nice jackets and be generally better dressed than most other species.
Pros: He’ll always have something interesting to talk about.
Cons: There’s a reason he’s insufferable.
If you’re interested: Ask him about that obscure band he keeps dropping the name of… He’s dying to talk about it.
4. THE “NICE” GUY
Description: Also known as the ‘Brony,’ this species is small in population but tight-knit and growing quickly. With a touch of the Engineer, but without the benefits, the “Nice” Guy’s only reason to attract your attention is that he is, well, a “nice” guy. Nice, however, seems to be a subjective description. This species seems to reek of misogyny, maybe even more than the Dudebro.
Habitat: large swarms on the floor of the Hub with their laptops out.
Distinguishing features: large baggy jackets; huge backpacks that are even larger than the Engineer’s; laptops covered with My Little Pony stickers; occasionally the more brash ones will spout fedoras.
Pros: He will be totally into you.
Cons: Do you really want him to be totally into you?
If you’re interested: Pay him any sort of attention — looking at him might be enough — and he’ll be totally devoted.
5. THE REAL NICE GUY
Description: The elusive, almost perfect Real Nice Guy is the stuff of myths and legends, yet we all know one. He’s almost always older, usually an RA, a Preview staffer or someone else equally respectable and unattainable. Polite, respectful and always donning that killer smile, the Real Nice Guy is someone you run into briefly and never really get a chance to know due to the way life works. But he’s always someone that crosses your mind in those moments during boring classes when you’re daydreaming. A real-life Prince Charming, the Real Nice Guy remains an elusive figure.
Habitat: You can find him anywhere — in line at Starbucks, right behind you at Library West or sitting a few seats away at the Reitz.
Distinguishing features: perfect hair and a perfect body, but the best part is his perfect smile.
Pros: literally everything.
Cons: He probably has a girlfriend.
If you’re interested: There’s not much you can do, but if you somehow get the confidence to talk to him and he’s somehow magically single, cross your fingers and go for it, girl!
Of course, this brief guide doesn’t do justice to all the guys you might encounter here at UF, but see if you can spot a few of these iconic types next time you’re on campus!