My boyfriend’s parents love me.
You know why? Because I didn’t do any of the crazy things in this guide when I visited them for Thanksgiving last year. In fact, they love me so much that I got invited back for a second round this fall. But I remember how nervous I was before. I had met his parents and even slept over at their house. I’ve gone grocery shopping with his brother, and I’ve sent friendship bracelets to his sister while she was at sleepaway camp. Thanksgiving, however, was a whole other ballgame.
You never know what you’ll get when it comes to holidays like this. There could be some wacky relative that pops up out of left field, or you could strike out by accidentally overcooking the sweet potato pie. Honestly, at this point, you might just want to opt for a literal game of baseball. It’s a little more predictable. But, hey — if I could survive Thanksgiving with my significant other’s family, so can you.
If you’re looking to be in a league of your own, though, keep reading. There are nice girlfriends, and then there are legends. I’m just another nice girlfriend, but I know exactly what you can do to be a legend. It might not get you invited back to the Thanksgiving table, unlike myself — but it’ll certainly get you talked about. (It might also get you broken up with, but that’s a chance you’ll just have to take.)
1. Buy a bottle of wine.
Attach a nice card, and address it to the parents. But the wine itself isn’t for your hosts. It’s for you. Once dinner begins, just start guzzling straight from the bottle. No one should be mad — you were nice enough to get a card after all, weren’t you?
2. Wear your “going out” clothes.
You know that one romper you wore to last week’s bar crawl? It doesn’t have any beer stains, so it’s definitely the best. Yeah, it’s a little tight, and your boobs keep falling out, but why does it matter? The lack of stains keeps it classy. Your boyfriend’s grandmother is going to be impressed.
3. Be sure to accessorize.
Wear sunglasses. Don’t take them off.
4. Bake some cookies.
Don’t worry about your S.O.’s brother’s peanut allergy. When his grandmother starts bickering about the stuffing (really, it’s too dry), and dad starts yelling about the football game, a health scare will be the perfect way to bring the whole family together. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving’s all about?
5. Offer to help out in the kitchen.
You’re a very proactive person, so you decide to “clean some plates” before the meal even begins. Eat half of the mashed potatoes and half of the string bean casserole. Stick your fingers in the cranberry sauce. Did I mention how great your manners are?
6. Know their stance on politics.
Once you do, you’ll know how to act accordingly. If they supported Clinton, wear a MAGA hat. If they supported Trump, wear a t-shirt with Hillary’s face. And if they supported Bernie Sanders, don’t even bother showing up. Instead, send a printout of your tuition bill, with a scrawled note: “I can’t dine with peasants like you who actually expected the president to pay for college.”
7. Don’t compare the dinner to your ex’s family’s cooking.
You won’t have to, because it’s not even comparable. Mrs. Stein’s gravy was out of this world. The gravy on this table, on the other hand, is basically water with some pepper in it. Too bad Joey Stein had to be such a terrible guy. Speaking of which, make sure this family knows about that one time you keyed Joey’s car.
“Why are you wearing those sunglasses, by the way? They make you look kind of shady.”
8. Befriend the crazy aunt.
She’s so fun! She has great taste in wine, too. Tonight she’ll be a little indecisive and ultimately end up drinking four glasses from three different bottles (the rosé deserved a second chance). Offer her some ibuprofen after dinner — straight from your purse. Dump all the contents of your bag out on the table, revealing two tampons, some mace, a set of car keys and a condom. If they ask about the condom, let them know it’s for an art project. Oh, wait, no, that’s what the car keys were for. (The canvas was Joey’s car.) The condom is for something else, but you’re too drunk by now to remember exactly what.
9. Eat the pumpkin pie.
Not with your hands, silly! That’s gross! And not with silverware, either. Smash your whole face into that pie like the grownup you are.
10. Make a plan for Black Friday.
You’ll be going to the mall with your boyfriend’s mom. (Yeah, his brother is still in the emergency room, but who cares? It’s Black Friday.) While you’re there, choose a lacy piece of lingerie you can find. Make sure to tell her you’ll be wearing it in front of her son. Then, thank her for picking out such a nice mattress for his room, which you totally didn’t sneak into the night before.
11. Thank them for the meal.
Tell the parents you had the time of your life and hope to be back for the December holidays. To top off your lasting impression, offer to send their hospitalized son some get-well-soon treats. They’re a surprise, so you can’t reveal much – but you’re sure he’ll enjoy them.
After all, who doesn’t like Reese’s cups?
Like I said earlier, there are nice girlfriends, and then there are legends. Anyone can guarantee themselves a seat at next year’s Thanksgiving table, but not everyone can be as unforgettable as you. Best of luck — and don’t forget the wine!