Content Warning: Sexual Assualt, Trauma, Hypersexuality
“I only went home with her because she seemed easy,” said a guy I brought over to my apartment about a month ago to some mutual friends.
He was sad to discover I was not in fact as “easy” as he thought. And if I were easy, what was he? Well, certainly hard but that is beside the point.
Men who describe women as easy often enrage me because they make these sexist assumptions based on minimal interaction with a woman. This man did not even know me, and he made a snap decision within an hour of speaking to me. I guess I am also guilty of making assumptions because I brought him home thinking he was a simp. I guess we were both wrong because he talked negatively about me behind my back, made jokes about the fact that I was ugly while he was at my place and is no longer friends with our mutual friends because he treats them badly. He, like so many other men, views women who pursue or suggest sex with him as desperate.
And, sometimes, we are desperate. I know I am. But not for a specific man or male attention. I am desperate for a distraction from my life. I use sex to cope with my depression, anxiety and stress. Engaging in physical intimacy is the only action I can take that completely clears my mind. As someone who is constantly thinking and analyzing and overthinking, I am often desperate for a reprieve.
When I first started making out with boys, around the age of seventeen, I quickly realized when I was physically intimate my brain would relax and go into a euphoric state where I had no worries. When this first began happening, I became so anxious that I would forget assignments and not be as focused on school because there were periods in the day when my brain went to la la land. Imagine being so anxious and stressed that you get anxious and stressed about not being anxious and stressed. I had to continuously promise myself it was okay to offer my mind a break from everything. Today, I accept the importance of clearing and cleansing my mind, allowing it to stray from stress.
So, when I invite a man over or engage in sexual activity, it isn’t because I’m easy, which is an outdated term, it is because my mind needs a break from thinking and because, I, like so many others, use sex as a coping mechanism.
Hypersexuality, an obsession with sexual thoughts and behaviors, is often a side effect of mental illness and traumatic sexual experiences. Because I have depression, anxiety and was sexually assaulted, my hypersexuality is what drives a fair amount of my interactions toward men. A lot of other women who have been sexually assaulted also feel the weight of hypersexuality upon them. We have little control over our hypersexuality because it is a response to trauma. Because I spend ample time thinking and talking about sex, I can see why men view my hypersexuality as a desperate move to claim them and call me easy; however, it is important for me and all other women negatively viewed for their hypersexuality to know that there is nothing wrong with us. Our bodies and brains desire sex as a distraction from the pain we endure in our bodies and brains because of trauma and mental illness.
Calling a woman easy because she dresses a certain way or is willing to have sex is inappropriate, and in my case, an invalidation of my trauma. I am not easy; I am broken. The thing is, I do not even really enjoy sexual interactions. I feel like I need them to make myself whole. That is an illness, not desire, driving me. Being educated on sex and sexual trauma is so important because it allows everyone to be more understanding when it comes to sexual situations.
Men calling a woman easy or other derogatory terms is sexist because it takes two people to have sex. I’ll admit that when I heard that the guy I hooked up with called me easy, I was hurt. But I shouldn’t have been. It’s on him if he chooses to be sexist. It’s on him if he chooses not to empathize with me. It will only hurt him in the long run. And even though he may believe this, being sexist does not make you look cool to your friends.
Men calling a woman easy or other derogatory terms is sexist because it takes two people to have sex. I’ll admit that when I heard that the guy I hooked up with called me easy, I was hurt. But I shouldn’t have been. It’s on him if he chooses to be sexist. It’s on him if he chooses not to empathize with me. It will only hurt him in the long run. And even though he may believe this, being sexist does not make you look cool to your friends.