There is a huge cultural stigma around the way gay and queer women dress and act. The word “butch” is used in television and movies; some people toss the word around as an insult. Women who don’t fit the mold of traditional femininity are stared at, questioned, and assumed to be a part of the LGBTQ+ community. However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, there are women who act and dress in very traditionally feminine ways and experience a different kind of backlash from their peers; women like me. I’ve reflected on my experiences since coming out as bisexual, and these comments stand out to me.
1. “I never would’ve guessed you were bi!”
Meeting someone for the first time, generally, means you don’t know anything about them – or their private lives. Telling me that my visually feminine look makes you think I’m straight, is not a compliment, and plays into straight/gay stereotypes. Also, saying I look gay wouldn’t be an insult. I don’t need you to tell me what you thought my sexuality was.
2. “I can’t picture you with a girl!”
Good, please don’t picture me with anyone….
3. “Are you sure it’s not just a fad? You haven’t met any nice boys?” – My boss
Besides the fact that having this conversation is highly inappropriate, in the workplace, I don’t think you’d be asking me this if I portrayed what you thought fit the stereotypes. The mouth-wide-open, eyes bugging out, look she gave me when she asked about my boyfriend, and I told her about my partner definitely showed that. Also, no, don’t assume it’s a fad and NEVER ask that of someone; it’s incredibly insulting.
4. “Can I watch?”
My partner and I are both feminine women, and NO we are not interested in you, creepy man in the SUV that drove up to us while we were at the train station. What about two feminine women together makes men think they are invited or allowed to intrude in our daily lives? Nothing about two people in a relationship, who aren’t speaking to you or even looking at you, creates the illusion of an invitation. Go away, creeps.
5. “Maybe you need to meet more guys.”
Being bisexual means that you are attracted to more than one sex. Point blank. My relationship with a woman is not any less real than one with a man would be. I’m not stalling my time till a guy comes along or ‘exploring’ my options. My relationships are not defined by what you think is ‘right,’ and dating men just because they’re men is pointless to me. I want to date the people I have a connection with. Nothing is wrong with that.
Ultimately, it is true that bi erasure is real, and “Femme” erasure is real. Just remember that not all comments are appropriate.