Growing up, I was always the chubby kid, which I didn’t even have a sense to what that really meant at the time. I just liked and ate the food that I wanted to and didn’t really give a f*ck about it. Until I went to my primary physician at the age of 12 and was told I was extremely overweight and that I needed to at least lose 25 pounds. That is the exact timing where all my insecurities about my body were no longer dormant. I looked at myself in the mirror that night and started shaming my body for what it was. I was fat. I was ugly. I was worthless. Those thoughts crossed my mind and permanently scarred my esteem.
About a month after that I had lost close to 20 pounds. I started doing very unhealthy things to lose weight (i.e. starving myself for hours). I had this image of what I wanted to be. What I wanted to look like. When my family started complimenting me for my progress I felt good. It made me happy to see that people started to notice and recognize. Their validation pushed me to lose even more weight. Until my mom noticed what was going on. I’d miss meals way too often, saying I wasn’t hungry and eating smaller and smaller portions of food. She said that if I didn’t stop she would take me to the hospital.
I started to reevaluate how I went about things. I started eating healthier, but then I fell into a binge, eating everything, gained the weight back. I tried really hard but it was hard. It was until I met one of my ex-boyfriends it became real for me. We were talking about what we were and he was significantly older than me, so I wanted to see where his mind was. It suddenly became an argument and he told me, and I quote, “Well if you were 5 pounds lighter, I’d consider making this official!” I was completely stunned. A man had reawakened that sense of insecurity in me once more. I think I cried for two days straight, while he begged for me back, that we could make it official because I was perfect and he should have never had said that. I ended it rather quickly, but those insecurities became extremely real for me. It was hard to deal with them, but with counseling, my therapist helped me settle those.
It was and has been a constant struggle. Even today, I still have trouble losing weight. It’s hard for me, as it is for most girls. But what we have to do is to take care of our bodies. Our bodies are our temples. They are holy places, where we restore our minds. Going through these experiences with my doctors, myself and past boyfriends and family, they have taught me that validation only comes within one self, and love comes from you. It took me a LONG time but I am finally okay with the woman I look to in the mirror. I am okay with my stretch marks. I am okay with my rolls when I sit down. I am okay with the way my breast sag slightly. I am okay with my butt and how everything I eat goes there. I am okay with my thighs and how they touch. I am okay with me. I think I am beautiful. My body is beautiful. It takes time, but when you start to put away the negativity, you start to see beauty and light. When you start to actually love your flaws, they become your most beautiful assets. Love comes in from one’s self. Love yourself first and everything will come beautifully in your own life.
Reminder: you are kind, you are smart and lastly, you are beautiful.