If you’re like me, you’ve been impatiently awaiting the highly anticipated Valentine’s Day hit, 50 Shades of Grey. As someone who read, and quite enjoyed, the first book, I’ve been looking forward to 50 Shades and all of its kinkiness. But, if you’re also like me, you got tickets for the Thursday show and left the theatre thinking “…What was that…?” I’m fairly certain this was the biggest letdown of 2015 so far, surpassing Katy Perry’s Super Bowl performance (left shark not included). So, for those of you who haven’t seen it yet, I’m going to save you from the 125 minutes of boredom that was this cinematic fail. If you DO want to see it, DO NOT CONTINUE READING. This is basically a massive spoiler alert with a review at the end, and I don’t want to ruin it for you (you can do that on your own :) )
The story opens in rainy, dreary Seattle where grey doesn’t even begin to do the weather justice. The story’s protagonist, Anastasia Steele, is sent on an interview by her sick roommate, Kate, with Seattle’s most eligible bachelor billionaire, Christian Grey. Kate gives Anastasia major side-eye before she leaves for the interview, since she’s dressed like a soccer mom. But, Anastasia doesn’t care. She hops in her ironic vintage VW bug (Portland hipsters, man) and drives to Seattle, where she conveniently finds an open parking spot directly in front of Grey House. Because that’s so realistic. Anastasia is then hurried into her interview, where she asks Mr. Grey if he’s gay and there’s a lot of sexual tension.
Anastasia returns to Portland and Kate is smitten with her results and the fact that Mr. Grey is NOT gay. Anastasia then goes to work at a hardware store, where Christian Grey “surprises” her (SUS) and buys all the proper equipment for a Sadomasochist and/or serial killer. With his strikingly good looks and pronounced jawline, Christian decides he needs a personal photo shoot to accompany Kate’s article. Ana has her friend José take some pictures of him, followed by a coffee date. This gets dramatic. Ana tells Christian she’s a “romantic,” because she’s an English Lit major. Christian gets upset and says she should stay away from him. The two dramatically stare into each other’s eyes on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop. It’s weird, idk.
Kate, José and Ana go out to a bar to celebrate the photo shoot. Anastasia gets hammered off of a glass of wine and a tequila shot and drunkenly calls Christian (naturally), who gets mad that she’s a lightweight and comes to the bar. Christian then saves Ana from a drunken José, who thinks he has a shot with her. Afterwards, Ana pukes on Christian’s shoes. Kate is seen dancing with Christian’s brother, Elliot, who kinda looks homeless and should really put his hair into a man bun. Ana passes out and wakes up in Christian’s bed, where he offers her a piece of toast, but eats half of it. Asshole.
Flash forward. Ana has a crush on Christian, obvi, but Christian doesn’t have a human-beating heart and just wants to use her as his playtoy. The struggle. He shows her his Red Room of Pain, and Ana is like “whoa, I’m a virgin.” Christian practically shits his pants out of surprise, then rectifies the situation by making sweet, vanilla love to Ana in an actual bed – not a sex swing. How romantic. Question: did no one give Dakota a head’s up to shave her thighs before filming? C’mon girl. You’re in a movie. Take care of that. Anyway, Christian doesn’t sleep with her. Instead, he leaves her in his bed to go play the piano. Totally casual. Also, we learn that Jamie Dornan does, in fact, have a nice butt.
After this, Christian offers Ana a deal she just can’t refuse: to be Christian’s personal submissive sex slave. He gives her a contract, along with a new laptop and a car. He never gives her a new phone though, so Ana is stuck in the Stone Age with her Razor. Sigh. Ana takes the contract, but doesn’t sign it, because unlike Rihanna, whips and chains do not excite her. The two email back and forth, which is just confusing in itself, because this is 2015; why aren’t you texting? The two then conduct a professional business meeting which, has a lot of sexual tension and also sushi. Ana and Christian work out the fine print, including no “genital clamps” or “vaginal fisting.” Bummer. The scene is really realistic, because who doesn’t remember going over the sex contract with their first partner?
Ana still doesn’t sign the contract, but guess what? Christian can’t control himself, so he takes her into the Red Room of Pain anyway. Honestly, this was my favorite scene, solely because of the Beyoncé song playing in the background. There’s some blindfolding and some rope. There’s some crazy wrist clamps that let Anastasia hang from the ceiling while Christian smacks her around with a riding crop. All the while, Anastasia has like 1000 orgasms – none from actual penetration though. I’m not sure if Anastasia has a magic vagina that lets her orgasm from smoldering stares alone or if Christian Grey is just THAT powerful.
Then, Anastasia goes to dinner with Christian and his family, which includes Elliot, the almost-homeless man, and his siter, Rita Ora. Question: WHERE ARE ANASTASIA’S KEGEL BALLS? Isn’t this entire scene about strengthening Ana’s vaginal muscles? They really dropped the bomb with this one.
Ana drops her own bomb, though, and tells Christian she’s visiting her mom in Georgia the next day, leaving him less than pleased. So, like any good boyfriend, he shows up in Georgia, rudely interrupting a mother-daughter date and taking away Ana’s second Cosmo. But, he makes up for it by taking her on a plane ride.
Then, the two get back to Seattle where Ana professes her love for Christian and Christian just freaks out. She basically asks him why he can’t love her back and why he enjoys inflicting punishment on her. He’s way too complex and can’t explain it (lol, men). So, Anastasia inquisitively asks how bad it can actually get, which lands her 6 lashes from a leather belt. Ana cries, but that doesn’t stop Christian; he lives for this. Then, she storms out. She gives back her Audi and her laptop, and leaves, the elevator shutting behind her as the screen cuts to black.
Overall, the movie was just really cheesy and really bad. Like something I would see Friday night alone watching Lifetime with my cat. Jamie Dornan is NOT a Christian Grey. Yes, he has a nice butt, but everything else about him was just lackluster. He just didn’t have that vibe and his American accent was kinda sad. I will say Dakota Johnson played a great Anastasia Steele. She is awkward, she is frumpy; everything Christian Grey isn’t. But, the storyline was just boring; not sure if it even had a plot? If you didn’t read the book, you will be confused. Hell, I read the book and I’m STILL confused. It was very blasé the entire time, with no major peaks or valleys. Even the sex is kind of “vanilla” and extremely unrealistic. No one has that many orgasms from being tickled with a peacock feather. NO ONE. Let’s just say, I was happy my boyfriend was asleep when I got home from the movie, a reaction opposite of what the producers desired. So, this Valentine’s Day, save yourself the $12 dollar movie ticket and the $30 popcorn/slurpee combo and stay home. Or, read the book. You’ll thank me later.
Laters, baby.
Picture Credits: