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Week 6.
I feel like Chris Harrison saying this, but this week was the most dramatic episode ever. This makes Kimber happy.
First of all, I have to get something off my chest. While I have been basically scrutinizing Carly the Cruise Ship Singer for six weeks because of her eyebrows, my mom told me yesterday that, apparently, she has a disease where she has difficulty growing hair, eyebrows included. While this also explains a lot, I am 100 percent an a**hole. So, if you’re out there reading this, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer, I AM SORRY. SERIOUSLY.
The episode starts off where it left off, with Kelsey laying on the floor. Good stuff. She’s not so much screaming anymore as she is doing her notorious weird, evil laugh where she laughs and talks at the same time and it comes out really jumbled. While this is going on, I caught her saying something about brownies (which made me hungry) and how she better get a rose for this. Naturally, panic attacks warrant roses on The Bachelor; it’s a known fact. The highlight of the Rose Ceremony was watching Kelsey visibly shake like a leaf. I had fun watching that. Kale’s mom goes home. Also, I thought we were done not knowing who people were, but someone else went home whom I have never seen before. Oops.
Next stop: South Dakota. Better than New Mexico.
First up is a one-on-one date. Becca, who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin Jami, gets the date. I KNEW BECCA WAS GOING TO GET IT. SO EXCITED. Be mindful that I did pick her to win, so I’m kind of #teambecca. The date started out with horseback riding. Becca has never been on a horse. Chris says he has, but they both got on the horse on the wrong side (coming from an avid horse person), so I’m sus (suspicious) of Chris’ horse knowledge. Anyway, the date seemed to be going really well. I can tell because Chris is laughing. A lot. If you have never seen the show, his laugh is a lot like Tigger’s on Winnie the Pooh. Hopefully, I am not the only one who remembers his laugh or this is awkward. Becca and Chris kiss for the first time and I catch myself smiling at my TV, and I looked over at my brother and he was smiling too (LOL; felt less dumb). Becca gets the rose. Obvi.
Next, is the group date. Britt, Kaitlin from Kanada, Whitney with the Disney Princess Voice (from the city that doesn’t exist), Megan the Makeup Artist, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer, and Jade are all on this date. Oh, and so are Big and Rich. They announce that all the girls will be writing and performing a song, because Chris likes country music. Yee haw. Megan the Makeup Artist starts talking and I just really don’t understand her headband collection. It gives me anxiety. Being the great guy that Chris is, he says he will sing the song he wrote first. I’m no doctor, but I am diagnosing Chris right now: moderate to severe tone deafness. Holy crap, that guy can’t sing.
Britt sings first and of course she is freaking adorable. She sings kind of good, too. Chris says he wants to cry. Again, adorable. Megan the Makeup Artist is next and I’m sure she sings horribly, but I get distracted because she is wearing leggings on this date. COME ON MEGAN DO SOMETHING I CAN BE PROUD OF. Whitney is next. She also sings horribly, despite the fact that she has the Disney Princess voice. Carly the Cruise Singer goes next. She’s a singer, so this better be good. She pulls Chris onstage with her and sings right into his eyes. I am having flashbacks of the sex-yoga-guru lady, so I close my eyes and count to ten. Jade goes next. She is clearly the most nervous and the worst singer, but the girl gives it her all. Respect. Blah blah blah. They are all sitting around drinking at a bar as they each have individual one-on-one time with Chris. Nothing worth typing. Until, Britt goes last and he sneaks her off to a Big and Rich concert. They dance. They get on stage. He gives her the rose in front of hundreds of people. They kiss. Adorable. Meanwhile, am I the only one wondering how long they have been gone? This was a group date.
To say things were awkward when Chris and Britt got back is the understatement of the century. I get a good laugh when Chris has no idea what to say and leaves Britt to fend for herself while all the other girls are crying. Classic dude move, Chris. Whitney says Britt doesn’t deserve the rose because she doesn’t appreciate country music. I didn’t know you had to appreciate country music to get roses, but Whitney says so. I guess that’s a thing. Thanks for the heads up, Whit. This initiated a tragic mood change in all the women and they are being soooo negative. Great news ladies: you’re already at the bar!!!! #silverlining
Drum roll please… TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME: Kelsey vs. Ashley Kardashian.
Sh*t is about to get super real, because Ashley Kardashian’s belly ring is visible. I’m also starting to take guesses on how many coats of mascara Ashley has put on. The winner gets nothing, but it’s still a fun game.
In Bachelor fashion, Chris, Ash and Kels take a helicopter to Mount Rushmore. Seriously… is this amateur hour? We’ve all done that… crickets. A whole lot of nothing happens until the helicopter lands. There is a bed in the middle of nowhere where they land. Ashley is first up to have some one-on-one time with Chris. She talks about how Kelsey is fake and how no one in the house likes her. Kelsey gets one-on-one time, too. Chris tells Kelsey what Ashley said about her. She tells Chris about how this is just “girl talk.” There is “girl talk,” but there’s also not wearing your mom’s clothes on The Bachelor, as well as general sanity. She’s annoying me. She fake cries for a few, then heads back to the bed where Ashley is chugging her wine. Ash just keeps on chugging while Kels stares at her, saying “I know what you said” in a very scary voice. She goes off on her for a little bit, but she hasn’t cried yet this episode, so we have to be seconds away from tears. She runs off into the wilderness and yells at Chris and ugly cries onto his nice shirt. He says he doesn’t see her living in Iowa (duh). He sends her home. He heads back to the bed sans Ashley Kardashian and Kelsey thinks she is home free. Think again Kels, you’re gone too. Thank. You. God. I hope someone grabbed a bottle of that wine; it looked good.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls were mourning the loss of their good friend Ashley Kardashian, when they realize Kelsey was sent home, too. Somebody says, “LET’S GET DRUNK.” I love them.
Next week, there are two episodes. I don’t know if my live tweets can handle it. YAY.
I think we are going to witness a Britt confession of her not being able to live in Iowa. We already knew that, Britt, but we look forward to your tears.
Becca, who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin Jami, is still my pick to win. *hair flip*
xoxo
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