If you know me at all (especially if you know me via Twitter), you know I am 110 percent The Bachelor’s biggest fan. Like ever. I have never missed a season, which means I have been watching since I was nine years old.
Why did my parents let a nine-year-old watch The Bachelor? I have no idea. But, that’s beside the point.
The point is, I was born to write The Bachelor Blog.
Week 2 (because no one cares about the first episode):
The episode begins with Kimberly The Yoga Instructor refusing to be eliminated because she and Prince Farming (Chris) didn’t get a chance to talk during the first rose ceremony. In all honesty, there was probably a reason for that. I call it fate. Others may call it the “luck of the draw.” Anyways, Chris lets Kimberly The Yoga Instructor stay as long as she grows out her eyebrows (I may have added in that last part…). The girls all cheer when Kimberly comes back into the Bachelor Mansion, but their faces tell a different story. They are not excited to have Kimberly The Yoga Instructor back. But, Kimberly 2.0 is eager to heat things up with Chris. Can’t blame her.
And, here comes the first date card! Ashley Kardashian (officially known as “Ashley I.”) finds it and excitedly reads it to the other girls. Ashley Kardashian, Tara (who says her best friend is Jack Daniels, because why not?) and Kimberly, our new favorite yoga instructor, are all on this date, along with a whole bunch of other girls whom I have never seen before. Chris shows up at the house. All the girls have full hair and makeup. He then announces they are having a “relaxing” pool party to “get to know each other.” The girls are all fear-stricken and probably thinking of ways to avoid getting water on their faces. And, I couldn’t agree more. If you’re having a good face day, you never know when you’re going to have one again. Also, there is that whole thing of being in front of a guy who has a chiseled body that mirrors the Statue of David. It’s fine.
I guess being in your bikini at the pool wasn’t exploiting enough for reality TV, because the girls are now walking in downtown Los Angeles with their bikinis on. Personally, I would rather die. But, these girls seem okay with it. Onward.
In very Prince Farming-fashion, they are walking in their bikinis to a tractor race. Ashley Kardashian actually says she’s more “Kardashian” than “Kountry” (see what I did there?). I’d like to point out this happens after i’ve already given her the nickname “Ashley Kardashian,” so I’m feeling pretty good about myself. But, wait, we aren’t done with Ashley Kardashian, because she wins the tractor race by the gigantic hoop of her earring. Seriously, I have never seen hoops this big. Anyways, for her prize she gets to sit on Chris’ lap while on the tractor. They laugh about everything and nothing at the same time. All I can think is, “I wonder when her hoop earring is going to stab Chris in the eye,” so I missed their whole conversation. Chris then announces he wants to get to know the girls better, so he only chooses one to continue the date, while everyone else has to go back to the Bachelor Mansion and drink margaritas while lounging by the pool. Rough life. Naturally, Ashley Kardashian is feeling pretty good about her odds since she won the tractor race. Wrong. He chooses Mckenzie. She gets the right to it, telling Chris how scared she is to tell him she has a son. Her son’s name is Kale. Chris has never known anyone named Kale and neither have I for that matter. Mckenzie tells Chris he has a big nose and that she believes in aliens. Basic first date stuff.
Here comes the next date card. Megan The Makeup Artist is the lucky gal who gets the envied, first one-on-one. In natural Bachelor fashion, they go on a helicopter ride over what looks like the Grand Canyon to me. I was so intrigued by the scenery that I didn’t even notice that Megan is wearing a pink wife beater on her first date with Chris. Interesting choice. They retreat from the helicopter and sit on a rock near an extremely dirty body of water. I get distracted by this. Then, Megan tells Chris about her father passing away a few days before she came on the show. This is sad, so I am keeping all sarcasm at a distance for the time being. Anyways, they kiss at the Grand Canyon following her sad story. Didn’t see that coming (sarcasm returns).
Next group date. Someone who I’ve never seen before reads the card. Britt (First Impression Rose and Free Hug Gal) and Jillian The Body Builder, and the ever-crazy Ashley S. are going on this date, along with a lot of other people I haven’t seen before. First things first, the girls are scared crapless in the limo because people are beating on the doors. Turns out, it was just Chris and a bunch of his close zombie friends. At this point, I would have had to excuse myself from the remainder of the date because there would have been pee in my pants. However, no one peed their pants as far as we know, so the date continues. The date is zombie-killing, which is honestly pretty cool. Jillian The Body Builder thinks she is going to be the best at this. I didn’t know muscles equated to being a good zombie killer, but she seems to think so. Ashley S. starts being really crazy at this point, talking about Mesa Verde. Nobody knows what Mesa Verde is. I had to Google it. The only thing you need to know about this date is that Ashley S. is very entertaining in a crazy kind of way and I really hope she gets a rose, because she is hilarious and we can all use a little more Ashley S. in our life, let’s be hoenst. Chris also has some quality one-on-one time with free-hugger Britt. She tells him how she isn’t nervous at all about the rose ceremony (LOL). He gives her a gift. It is a card that sees FREE KISS (clever). They kiss. She’s really pretty and she gives free hugs. So, she is my front-runner so far.
Rose ceremony time/get-drunk-on-free-champagne time. Jordan The Student takes free champagne very seriously. No one has seen her sober yet, which is fine by me and pretty much everyone else. Free-hugger Britt is now saying she is really nervous for the rose ceremony. That escalated quickly. Ashley Kardashian is dressed like a genie, so obviously she has on a wish-granting belly button ring that she makes Chris rub so she can grant him a wish. I can’t make this stuff up. It actually happened. I was really disturbed by this. His wish was to kiss her (AWW). Ashley Kardashian then announces that she is a virgin and then makes out with Chris like an eighth grader. Sorry, Ash K. All of the girls watch Ashley Kardashain and Chris make out. This makes Britt cry because she sees Chris as her boyfriend (reminder: this is week two).
Chris Harrison slams a utensil into his champagne glass and informs everyone that it is time for the actual rose ceremony. Prince Farming has no idea what to do and he feels bad for whoever he is sending home. Both of the drunk girls went home, Jordan The Student and Tara (best friends with Jack Daniels). Kimberly 2.0, the yoga instructor, was also eliminated, again. Sorry, girl. And then, some other people I have never seen before.
Stay tuned for next week’s episode, folks!
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