Week 5.
Holy crap, you guys. That’s the only introduction needed.
First date card comes, and it is for Carly the Cruise Ship Singer. I, for one, am not excited, because I anticipate I will be staring at her eyebrows (or lack thereof) the whole time. I wonder if she will see my tweets and get an eyebrow pencil. Wishful thinking. I have to squint to see her eyebrows. Just when I think her eyebrows are taking over, it appears they are visiting a “sex guru,” so I am pretty much done with her eyebrows, for now. To me, this means that Chris wanted this to happen so Carly the Cruise Ship Singer could get out of the Friend Zone, quickly. The Namaste-sex lady borderlines psychosis. She is making Chris and Carly the Cruise Ship Singer take each other’s clothes off while doing some type of yoga, and contrary to popular belief, it is not getting “hot in herrrrrr.” It is awkward. Very awkward. Even Christian Grey can’t watch this. So, I’m pretty much done with yoga for a while because this Namaste lady is ruining my life. Carly told Chris about how her ex-boyfriend never touched her, and I think Carly missed some serious signs that her boyfriend might have not been exactly into women… Just saying. Carly gets the rose.
Next up, is group date time. Chris Harrison comes to the house and tells the women they are going to Santa Fe, as in New Mexico. The girls are honestly so excited it’s worrying me. Megan the Makeup Artist is even more excited because she has never been out of the country… Long pause… Crickets. Meanwhile, I am trying really hard to understand why everyone is so excited to go to New Mexico when they are living in LA. The date to Santa Fe starts off with the girls going white water rafting. I did that one and it was really hard. I kind of need a nap after watching the, uh, struggle. Jade falls of the raft. I feel bad that Jillian went home last week because she could have snatched Jade right out of the water, because that’s another side effect of CrossFit, I bet.
Naturally, they are off to a rooftop party where the booze and gossip are endless. Sounds fun. Everyone is very concerned about Chris. They do my favorite part of The Bachelor, which is sitting around making up scenarios they all believe that Chris is doing. I, for one, thought he was napping, because Ashley Kardashian was on the same raft as him all day, and his ears had to be exhausted. Anyway, my theory was wrong. Jordan who went home on Week Two is back for a second chance. I didn’t recognize her sober and I don’t think Chris did either, because he was giving her some major side-eye. Cue Ashley Kardashian crying. Angry tears this time. She really is a talented lady. So. Many. Cry. Faces. She stands up and storms off a few times while I check my Twitter feed and notice that no one is caring about the white rag she is wearing. She is literally wearing like a dish towel and a J. Crew necklace. Anyways, Chris lets Jordan hang out and drink with them before he sends her home again. What a sweetheart.
Meanwhile, Brit gets a date card for her one-on-one. It says something about “flying high.” She goes into legit crazy mode because she’s “actually afraid of heights.” It’s only a thing for her I guess. She was dramatic. But, we still like her. So, hold your snarls. Chris wakes her up at 4:30 in the morning for their date. She has a legit #iwokeuplikethis moment, and I couldn’t be happier. She clearly sleeps with all her makeup on. Carly the Cruise Ship Singer makes this known to all the girls in the house. And, I’m annoyed because it’s a reality TV show and of course I would sleep with my makeup on. YOU’RE ON TV ALL DAY EVERYDAY. Carly also tells everyone that apparently Brit doesn’t shower. And, I’m officially not showering anymore because Brit looks a hell of a lot better than me even when I’m clean. Carly is salty.
So, their date is really awesome and they get to ride in a hot air balloon. Somehow, by a miracle of God, Brit is cured of her fear of heights. Pretty good timing from the Big Man. Since Brit and Chris woke up so early, they went back to his hotel room to “nap.” This is also known as “they had sex” in what I know of The Bachelor World. I am guessing this information will leak in a few weeks and Ashley Kardashian might just off herself. Only time will tell.
Just when you thought things were getting kind of boring since Ashley S. is gone… Kelsey starts being krazy. Kels takes a stroll to Chris’s room to tell him “her story.” She doesn’t feel “right” not telling him her husband died before the next Rose Ceremony. This is also known as “she is scared shitless she is going home and wants him to feel really bad for her.” She says, and I quote, “I love my story. It’s amazing.” She says this with her evil laugh and smiles the whole time. I am officially SUS (suspicious) of Kelsey. And, so is the whole entire Bachelor Nation.
Her plan works, because Chris shows up to the Rose Ceremony pretty much crying, because he wants to send Kelsey home, but she told him “her story,” so now he feels like a dick (he doesn’t say this, but we are all thinking it). Everyone is pretty sketched out, because SPOILER ALERT: Chris told everyone Kelsey came to his room, and they didn’t know about it. Now, everyone is giving Kels some MAJOR side eye. Like major. Kelsey goes into the hallway and has what looks to be a panic attack. I can’t be completely sure because it said, “To be continued…” So, now we wait.
Becca who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin Jami is still my pick to win.
CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK TO SEE IF KELSEY LIVES THROUGH THE PAIN.
xoxo
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