For the past few months I labelled myself as a lesbian. I was comfortable and confident with this label and thought it was the one that best suited me. I like girls and hadn’t found myself crushing on a boy in years. However, I started to catch myself attracted to certain guys and questioned whether it was right for me to use the lesbian label. I would always just tell myself, “Well, I don’t want to date them, so it’s fine. I’m still a lesbian.” Thinking back to when I first realized that I would date a woman, I never claimed the lesbian label for myself. I would just say that I was gay, or say, “I don’t know.” The only thing I knew was that I like girls. Fast forward to today, and I’ve decided that the most comfortable thing for me to do is to just ditch labels altogether.
About a week ago I posted something to one of my private stories that only my close friends can see. I said, “I think I might be bi instead of a lesbian. I’m confused but know that I think some guys make me question my sexuality.” I was extremely nervous to post this, as I feared that people would react in a way that would invalidate my sexuality and my feelings. I’ve been outwardly using the lesbian label for so long, and I feared that this news would be shocking to my friends. Luckily, I was way wrong. The response that I got was overwhelmingly supportive and comforting. Lots of my friends replied with sentiments from, “I feel the same way” to, “Use whichever label you feel comfortable with.” The funny thing is, I would respond the same way to anybody who came to me and said that they were questioning their sexuality. But when it came to myself, it didn’t seem right.
Fast forward to today, and I can safely say that I prefer to just not label my sexuality at this point in my life. None of the labels feel perfectly fit for me, and that’s okay. In the past, I’ve felt really tied to a label and it made me feel included and powerful. Now, I know that the idea of constraining myself to one label or another makes me feel more trapped than ever. To be honest, I have no idea what I am. I just know that I do not want to put myself in a box. This way, I can go about my life more fluidly without the pressure to uphold certain expectations from myself and others.
I know that for some, labels can create a comfortable and inclusive environment. For me, I feel more liberated than ever by ditching the labels right now. I may come back in a few months and say, “I’m bi” or “I’m a lesbian” or “I’m gay.” Claiming any of those would be okay. But right now, I feel the need to just go with the fluidity of it all. If you’re confused or questioning your sexuality, know that you are most definitely not alone. If I had never posted about this and allowed myself to be vulnerable, I never would have received the heaps of support that I did. Talking about it when you feel comfortable and safe to do so can be the validation and reassurance that you need to embrace this journey.